Ninja in distress..

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Ninja in distress..

Postby ink » Thu Oct 13, 2016 9:50 pm

iowaboy12 wrote:Hello Ninjas. Thanks for all the replies! And a special thank you to Phara who checked up on me when I didn't return. I'm not in such a good place in my head. She said there was a place to vent and get help for that stuff, I wasn't sure where it is at, so I guess I will just begin here. I think my biggest problem is that I am a procrastinating nerd that jumped in waaaaay over his head. I've basically always been a slacker and a fuck up who avoided responsibility. I get my shit together for a while and then do something to fuck it up. I'm a fairly smart guy who has never been able to push himself enough to do anything intellectually challenging enough to advance, but gets bored when not challenged. I'm lazy. I do the minimum work to get by. Which would be fine and works for some people, but I can't continually work a mundane job or just do manual labor without eventually feeling like I am going insane. My wife and I have known each other since we were 12, she was my first kiss. But we just got together again 4 years ago and married a year ago. For a guy who hates responsibility, I took on a farm, a wife, and 4 step children. When we got together, I was doing a manual labor job, she was a widow, and we were both alcoholics, but I was at a dangerous level of it because I have a sleep disorder and was self medicating (that is a whole other story for when I have more time). I was frank with her about who I am and told her basically what I have told you on our first date. She kept me around anyway. I pulled my shit together, stuck by her through a break down, helped her pull her shit together, got married, and had my own break down. I have been trying and failing to keep myself from going down that path again ever since, and she seems to be doing the same. I'm not ok, she's not ok, and we're definitely not ok. I'm still trying, but lost and can't find my way yet. I think she has given up and is just powering through. So there we go. I will add more, answer questions and go into more detail, and add more layers later when I have more time. Now I have to go pick the kids up from school. I guess I lied when I said I wasn't looking for anything from Ninja. I'm definitely searching for something, I just haven't figured out what after 36 years and am getting tired.
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





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Re: Ninja in distress

Postby Corgimom » Thu Oct 13, 2016 9:57 pm

With all my heart I believe that depression is the biggest killer.
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NaranjaRa
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Re: Ninja in distress

Postby NaranjaRa » Thu Oct 13, 2016 10:01 pm

man, i so feel for you. honestly - how does one pull out of it? i wish i knew what to say. i don't even know how i end up coming back up, when so many do not. i need to reflect on this.

i also really need to thank you for sharing this here. you've laid out something that i've been neglecting to examine more closely overall for some time now. let's keep talking about it...

<3
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PsycUrMIND
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Re: Ninja in distress..

Postby PsycUrMIND » Fri Oct 14, 2016 6:56 am

Iowaboy12
Wow that was courageous! Self disclosure is so hard for me. I commend you.! You sir are Ninja. Ninja from 1.0 (Iv only heard stories) A Ninja elder. A Ninja in the shadows, in darkness. Stay out here! Exposed, vulnerable, and open. your in the right place. BTW I wouldn't put you in the lazy category ever! Your the husband and father of a wife and kids, hello! That's a huge honorable bunch of responsibility!!!! your amazing!!!! Stay here, in the light, safe, supported, and then speak....here you can heal.
FYI: I'm new here to Ninja and I freaking love this community!!!!
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Re: Ninja in distress..

Postby AliceElite » Fri Oct 14, 2016 5:02 pm

I think that you are definitely moving in the right direction - I've been through this. This same thing. Both of us with mental health issues, a family to feed, stuck in dead end jobs that we hated...I am right there with you.

I know it might not feel like it but you are taking the first steps to get there and get through. Ask questions. Reach out to people, figure out what worked for others, experiment, try, keep looking forward and keep doing self care, self work. <3 This is so the right place for you.
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Re: Ninja in distress..

Postby NaranjaRa » Sat Oct 15, 2016 10:21 pm

PsycUrMIND wrote:Iowaboy12
Wow that was courageous! Self disclosure is so hard for me. I commend you.! You sir are Ninja. Ninja from 1.0 (Iv only heard stories) A Ninja elder. A Ninja in the shadows, in darkness. Stay out here! Exposed, vulnerable, and open. your in the right place. BTW I wouldn't put you in the lazy category ever! Your the husband and father of a wife and kids, hello! That's a huge honorable bunch of responsibility!!!! your amazing!!!! Stay here, in the light, safe, supported, and then speak....here you can heal.
FYI: I'm new here to Ninja and I freaking love this community!!!!

such a lovely sentiment. thank you so much for this response, so uplifting and compassionate.
this is indeed what we are all here for. to bring each other to new realizations, new openness, new experiences that raise us up... <3


AliceElite wrote:I think that you are definitely moving in the right direction - I've been through this. This same thing. Both of us with mental health issues, a family to feed, stuck in dead end jobs that we hated...I am right there with you.

I know it might not feel like it but you are taking the first steps to get there and get through. Ask questions. Reach out to people, figure out what worked for others, experiment, try, keep looking forward and keep doing self care, self work. <3 This is so the right place for you.

Alice speaks truth here. especially in regards to talking to other people with similar experience and gathering ideas about what works for them. everyone is going to bring something different, but I believe the underlying current is that we ALL have these feelings from time to time no matter what our specific situations are. in that sameness comes understanding. and you only get that if you reach out and share. indeed, you have taken a huge step just recognizing your inner dialogue and putting it out there. you can't fix something that you don't realize needs fixing, so the fact that your gut is screaming out means that your mind is listening and already making subconscious changes. the task is just bringing those changes to the conscious mind and acting on them.
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Re: Ninja in distress..

Postby NaranjaRa » Sat Oct 15, 2016 10:46 pm

now my personal take:

i believe i inherited a tendency for depression from my mom, who hid it from me when i was growing up but looking back now i realize exactly what was going on (plus she did admit it to me once). add in the fact that i am for the most part a stereotypical artist personality...sensitive, highly emotional, introverted...and the fact that i am also a strong empath..well that just breeds it. for the most part, i only get down when i'm unable to move forward in my life due to health issues. the worst case of depression however came after a string of deaths - 3 people who were extremely dear to me all passed away within 3 weeks of each other around the holiday season. i was seriously stuck from that point onward for about a year and a half.

when i get into this level of funk, my nature calls for me to completely withdrawal from the world. i become a hermit. i even stopped socializing online. including Ninja.

and what i didn't realize at the time was that this was exactly THE WORST thing that i could have possibly done at the time.

i decided that in order to come out of it, i had to (re)discover something that i loved again. easier said than done. everything at that time lost its luster, so this was in fact extremely difficult. i was living in Ft. Lauderdale but not even the intensely gorgeous, sunny Florida-coast weather and surroundings helped, when i was repeatedly told that all i needed was some ol' fashioned Vitamin D.

i don't recall how or what triggered it, but for some reason i was drawn back to the Ninja forums.
and i rediscovered My People.

it was the compassion and open arms of this community, the ability to share and be heard - be understood - that helped raise me up out of a complete tailspin nosedive. it was also a well-deserved kick in the butt for digging myself in like a cartoon ostrich.

i vowed that if i ever started getting depressed again, for any reason, i would never again disappear or withdrawal from my family here. and so far, i have kept that promise, which i made directly to Phara...

because oh yes, it continues to hit me from time to time. i'm even medicated for it long-term now. and that helps me not to drown in the emotions themselves. but it's through a constant dialog with like-minds and hearts that literally raises my head from the sand every time.

i acknowledge that there is so much that is greater than me. so much that is more important than me. so many that have it so much worse than me.
so when i get lost in me, i try to remember that.

the struggle is real, and it seems to never-end. but if you concentrate on what is good in your life, what you love in your life, and what you can do for others in your life, the rest starts to not feel as heavy as it does if you're taking it on all by yourself.

i hope something that i've said here helps...
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Re: Ninja in distress..

Postby Charmosa » Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:54 pm

ink wrote:
iowaboy12 wrote: I've basically always been a slacker and a fuck up who avoided responsibility. I get my shit together for a while and then do something to fuck it up. I'm a fairly smart guy who has never been able to push himself enough to do anything intellectually challenging enough to advance, but gets bored when not challenged. I'm lazy. I do the minimum work to get by. Which would be fine and works for some people, but I can't continually work a mundane job or just do manual labor without eventually feeling like I am going insane.


Relatable. Do you use any type of personality tests for introspection? Astrology birthcharts, Meyer briggs, numerology, any of that? Because some people are just jack of all trades types. It's frustrating because you look at others your age who may be experts in their field and "have something to show for" their intelligence or skills. Meanwhile you think, I'm just as smart, so why don't I have a thing to show? Why am I still unstable? If you are like me, a kind of person who loses interest in something after you've done it for a while, you have to accept that you didn't go down that road of your peers because you didn't want to .

I was a workaholic for a few years and quit, not because it was too hard, but because I learned enough about the day to day I'd have in the future if I continued that job and I didn't want it. I trained capoeira with the intensity of someone who planned on becoming a mestre and opening schools and have that be my life, but I spent so much time with mestres I realized I didn't want that for my life either. So ask yourself, is it really just you didn't want to challenge yourself or you're lazy? Or did you just realize you wanted something different? Enter manual labor and mundane jobs. I've had to deal with that thought "if only you applied yourself". I had to change it to "what do I want to do next? What have I learned about what I don't want and how can that help me?" The idea of doing something different for a living every few years doesn't bother me as much as doing one thing I don't like forever. The only place that gets tricky is stability.

My spouse is also someone who jumps from job to job, idea to idea, and earns less than me. I want kids, I want a house. I think it's an achievable goal but it takes creativity. Getting some side hustles together. Plan for being your own boss at some point so as to not get bored. Talk to each other. Dream together. Think about it separately, then talk some more. Small steps add up. A year ago I started recording a podcast with a friend and now we have local recognition and a weekly spot at a bar to do whatever we want (including making $). It snuck up on me, through bouts of crippling depression and all, doing SOMETHING consistently each week has only now, one year later started to show.

Find something fun to do with a friend who will hold you accountable. Keep doing it for as long as it's fun. Eventually you'll think of a way to monetize it. As far as drinking goes, oh yeah, I hear ya. My husband too. It's a money pissing vice I don't think I'll ever give up entirely, but daily exercise helps. With everything. I don't feel good exercising drunk or hungover and afterwards I crave water, not beer. I'm not talking about going to the gym. I'm talking in my bedroom laying on the carpet and doing crunches, standing in front of the mirror and doing squats and lunges. Pushups. Basic stuff. Not for long. 3 sets of whatever # I choose. 3 sets of 50 situps. 3 sets of 20 squats. 3 sets of 10 pushups. It takes up only about 5-10 minutes and then when I do drink later I drink less and feel better about myself.

Tl;dr before you beat yourself up for not doing more, ask yourself why. Make a list of what you want and what you don't want. Small steps add up. No more grand gestures.
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Re: Ninja in distress..

Postby DJ_Darkside » Tue Oct 25, 2016 3:22 pm

I'm in the same kind of boat iowaboy12. I feel you. One thing I can say with confidence about the whole situation is stress is a killer. Learn to have fun sober!!! Find fun and free things to do with the kids and try not to look at it like a chore. Find something they love to do and make a ritual. A little organization in life and small accomplishments go a long way. Appreciate everything you have and truly do because in an instant it can all be taken away. KEEP YOURSELF OCCUPIED WITH SMALL THINGS AND TAKE TIME TO REALLY THINK! Do you know what you need to do to solve a certain situation? Why aren't you doing it? Give yourself permission to relax because you deserve it.

This is one truth that is hard to hear and more difficult to accept so don't read if you aren't ready... I'm serious
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You are the reason you are where you are and the only person who can change anything is you. If you are lazy and don't feel like waking up before the sun rises to make yourself something to eat and truly be ready for a happy and long day at work then you will be the creator of your own demise. Own up to your shit and the universe will pay you back.


Keep your chin up and always be positive even if you have to fake it. Fake it till you make it. At least if you project that then it will come back to you with positive results.
Good Luck My Brother!! If you need me, you know where to find me.
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I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. Kurt Cobain
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ALL HAIL LIEUTENANT DOCTOR COOLCHUNKIA ESQUIRE THE THIRD JR.!!! Lest she blow chunks of cool up yo asssss!!!
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Re: Ninja in distress..

Postby ink » Tue Oct 25, 2016 11:20 pm

you have to change your thinking first. i know a few ppl that use the phrase 'stinking thinking' :lawl:
truth tho. out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. from there, you will always remain off course, until you adjust the words that you put into the air. ones that will put you back on course.

might i suggest our lovely section of tedx talks hmm...? there are many hidden nuggets of truth if you wonder of new perspectives...


/nod think about it
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





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Re: Ninja in distress..

Postby NaranjaRa » Wed Oct 26, 2016 9:03 pm

iowaboy12 wrote:Oh, I am quite aware that I am my own undoing. I just can never seem to change myself enough to make a long term difference. I am sure you have heard the phrase, 'Fake it until you make it.' Well, I have gotten quite good at pulling my shit together and faking it for a while, but I can never seem to actually make it.


man i know how that goes. at the least, taking responsibility for our own part in where we have gotten ourselves is a critical step. but at least for my own crap, what tends to sometimes happen is THAT then ends up a place to get stuck in. poor me. look at where i've ended up. look at what i've done to myself. that becomes the hole. band-aid solutions never help, either. because i'm technically still feeling sorry for myself. so technically, i'm not making the real changes that need to happen within.

ink is right. there has to be a major alteration in thinking. sure identifying what to change is a good step, but until we find that daily joy - that thing that we get up for every day - we won't really make the effort we need to make in order to climb back up.

i'm glad you came back to keep talking about it with us. i think it helps the whole community - we get see that we are never really alone when things get bad for us. :heart:
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Re: Ninja in distress..

Postby AliceElite » Thu Oct 27, 2016 1:38 am

Couple things: socializing is an act of self care - it is hard, and when I'm deep in my depression I don't want to do it, because it's so exhausting. But it is so worth it and I always feel better after (and I'm talking about ninja, here). Thank you for keeping us updated.

I really hope your wife is alright, is safe, and I hope the two of you are taking care of yourselves while you are processing this. <3

Spoiler for potentially unwanted family planning advice:
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I don't think anyone else mentioned it, and maybe I missed some larger context or info, but - are you guys trying for a baby? I guess, what I'm asking is, if you're trying to do as much self work as you can and really be a better person, as a parent who was a parent through similar circumstances and who got pregnant a second time during the most difficult part of my life and aborted, please consider contraception if you're not 100% sure you're ready for a baby, I guess is what I'm getting at. PLEASE reach out to me via pm if you want/need to talk about parenting stuff. <3


Personal change, for me, was a 'how bad do you want it' kind of thing. Oh, you want to call out of work? You want to quit? you want to let your kid have ritz crackers and a juice box for dinner? I thought you wanted to be a good provider and parent - "How bad do you want to be a good parent, how bad do you want Fox to know he can rely on you? How bad do you want to have a good work ethic?"

If I can't make myself do something, it's because I don't want it bad enough. So then I ask - what do I want?
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