How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Discuss and get/offer advice on Relationships, Health, Parenting, Sex, Beauty, DIY...whatever matters in your Life.
User avatar
NaranjaRa
Nerd lvl: SUPA DUPA
Posts: 2493
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:53 am
Location: in the grove
Contact:

How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby NaranjaRa » Sat Dec 31, 2016 1:55 pm

i have a very large, Catholic family on my mom's side. and as much as i love them for being blood, i am for the most part completely disgusted by the lot of them. i've always been the "black sheep" of the family. i'm the weird artist who loves the city and doesn't go to church. i don't like sports or Fox news. basically, i'm not "their people", as many of them are proud to proclaim themselves "rednecks." they've all been raised in a rural setting, most have not moved more than 60 miles of their birthplace, and they've all adopted a system of beliefs commonly in-line with the religious right of our nation. they're beer drinking, truck, country-music, & freedom-lovin' 'Muricans. and along with that, of course they are racist. you know, "All Lives Matter." since as long as i can remember i've had to endure sexist and racist jokes and points of view that not only make me bite my lip and cringe, but have on occasion made me have to leave the room in tears.

so a while ago i learned on Facebook that my cousin was getting married. i love to post "GRATZ" with a photo of a baseball team of the same name (totally stolen from Underappreciated Boxer, btw) whenever someone needs congratulating, and did just that.

my uncle - my mother's brother, a man i've loved since a kid and who is the big joker clown of the family, provided this comment:

Image
/atf /atf /atf

i seriously feel so ill in my stomach right now, i don't know what to do. i cannot for the life of me figure out how to reconcile these feelings. i'm embarrassed, hurt...i feel ashamed for him yet he was my favorite uncle growing up and has always treated me like his own daughter. i desperately want to say something to him but fear that it would cause more trouble than good, as he's not just going to suddenly change his way of thinking. but then, am i wrong and contributing to the problem by NOT pointing it out? we're about to enter Drumpf's America and this kind of crap is just going to keep coming out of the wood-works into the open more & more. i want to fight it every step of the way, but good lord...not with my own family! /atf

does anyone else have to deal with horrible, backwards-thinking family...and how do you handle it?
//sigh :worry:
User avatar
NaranjaRa
Nerd lvl: SUPA DUPA
Posts: 2493
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:53 am
Location: in the grove
Contact:

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby NaranjaRa » Sat Dec 31, 2016 4:32 pm

for those of you attached to my Farcebook, there is an excellent conversation going on there as well about this same issue. i just needed to reach out to everyone i could...
User avatar
ghostdogg
Rewind. Spit. Scratch. See Heaven.
Posts: 439
Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2016 10:41 pm

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby ghostdogg » Sat Dec 31, 2016 4:44 pm

I can somewhat relate to this. I have family that are supporters and are racist. I usually like to look at this from the perspective that they are from a much older generation (in my case) and are, therefore, incapable of being anything but what they are. But deep down, I know this is just an excuse and I still get sick to my stomach every now and then. My heart goes out to you sestro.
User avatar
ghostdogg
Rewind. Spit. Scratch. See Heaven.
Posts: 439
Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2016 10:41 pm

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby ghostdogg » Sat Dec 31, 2016 4:47 pm

I probably should also add that I think your uncle was just trying to be funny with that FB reply butit was definitely inappropriate.
User avatar
Feydakin
Blissfully Oblivious
Posts: 1779
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 7:48 pm
Location: Right Here
Contact:

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby Feydakin » Sat Dec 31, 2016 4:51 pm

You know me, I'd just laugh it off (because they're fucking idiots) and tell them the truth and lay into them for saying blatantly racist things... also I'm a Conservative leaning Libertarian if I had to label myself, so while I would find racism abhorrent I can at least find some common ground with people from that culture. Without going to deep into the weeds of political and ideological differences, I'd just say stand up for yourself and your beliefs, and fuck the cost. I bounced my uncles head off a post one time for using the term "coon" in a derogatory sense at Thanksgiving, if that gives you any idea where I'm at with the fucks I give. ;)

For the record in rural culture, the word coon is also short for raccoon, in which case it's not offensive at all.
"Searchers after horror haunt strange, far places..." ~ H.P. Lovecraft, "From Beyond"Image
ImageImage
User avatar
NaranjaRa
Nerd lvl: SUPA DUPA
Posts: 2493
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:53 am
Location: in the grove
Contact:

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby NaranjaRa » Sat Dec 31, 2016 5:25 pm

that's a good point, Feyd...knowing my uncle i'd be willing to bet he was trying to be funny because that's his thing. and telling what are usually considered off-color jokes is definitely his forte'. it's always hard to tell intention through the typed word and my heart was just stabbed when i read it without really considering that he's not being "racist-mean" but "racist ha-ha".

obviously one is not less disgusting than the other...

i also want to expand the description of my family because i am not at all trying to pigeonhole all members of the (specifically) religious right nor all folks who were raised and remained in a rural setting. i think it might sound like that in my OP but really i was just trying to paint a picture in stark contrast to my own interests and values. i don't really align with a political party and have remained a registred Independent since i could first vote. i suppose i lean to the liberal side of things yet do have some conservative views as well. i'm really just mostly in support of whomever is for being good to each other and the planet; equality for all, safety nets for those who need it, small federal government, and an end to corporate control of our leaders. (yeah i know, that's utopian...)

i don't hang around my family too often, or go to family gatherings anymore at all, really. whenever i have as i've gotten older i've just felt more and more distanced from them as we just don't have a lot in common at all. honestly they're not at all the kind of people i'd ever associate with, save a couple of cousins closer to my age. and it's those cousins, along with myself, who are the first in the family to graduate college. so in a way i also have to battle the inner feeling that i'm being some kind of snob and that they might even percieve my distance as a feeling of superiority of some kind. really, i just don't like to drink, i don't know sports, i don't watch tv or listen to the radio...basically all of the sort of mass-entertainment they discuss i am oblivious to. and i definitely don't share their *extreme* views on politics. so i don't take part in most of the group conversations surrounding these topics. it's a very uncomfortable situation for the most part, and it makes me so very sad because i don't have that close relationship with my family that they all seem to enjoy with each other.

i really have no choice but to address him in some way. i'm just trying to figure out the best approach. but at this point at least i have found the courage to finally stand up to this shit when it comes from a family member like i normally do with anyone else when it happens. sharing this and just getting it out there to learn it's more common than i would ever want it to be has given me a source of strength.
<3
User avatar
Feydakin
Blissfully Oblivious
Posts: 1779
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 7:48 pm
Location: Right Here
Contact:

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby Feydakin » Sat Dec 31, 2016 6:15 pm

Just tell him the truth. If he really cares about you he'll take that into consideration when he speaks in your presence, and just maybe he'll take a deeper look at himself and how he views things. If he doesn't, then he's frankly not worth worrying over, family or no family.
"Searchers after horror haunt strange, far places..." ~ H.P. Lovecraft, "From Beyond"Image
ImageImage
User avatar
Feydakin
Blissfully Oblivious
Posts: 1779
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 7:48 pm
Location: Right Here
Contact:

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby Feydakin » Sat Dec 31, 2016 6:17 pm

I want to point out, that while I revere family over most things, I'm not a slave to the ideal. I can love my mother, for instance, and hate her views and not want to associate with her at the same time. I'll also still be there for her no matter what. Both states can exist. If someone is being toxic to my life, I stay away from them, period.
"Searchers after horror haunt strange, far places..." ~ H.P. Lovecraft, "From Beyond"Image
ImageImage
User avatar
ghostdogg
Rewind. Spit. Scratch. See Heaven.
Posts: 439
Joined: Sat Aug 06, 2016 10:41 pm

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby ghostdogg » Sun Jan 01, 2017 2:04 am

Feydakin wrote:I want to point out, that while I revere family over most things, I'm not a slave to the ideal. I can love my mother, for instance, and hate her views and not want to associate with her at the same time. I'll also still be there for her no matter what. Both states can exist. If someone is being toxic to my life, I stay away from them, period.

this!!1!
User avatar
NaranjaRa
Nerd lvl: SUPA DUPA
Posts: 2493
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:53 am
Location: in the grove
Contact:

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby NaranjaRa » Mon Jan 02, 2017 5:07 am

oh yeah i learned early on to make my own family and pretty much did. around the time i was in high school i ended up in a circle of friends that i am still as close to today some 25+ years later.

as well, i am under doctor's orders at this point to do all i can to only associate with people who are positive forces in my life. keeps stress down. most of the time it just involves removing a family member from being connected to my farcebook page...easy enough. i still love them but when they can't practice constraint and/or respect, they gotta go. i'm only estranged to one person in my life, thankfully, and it was a source of repeated hurt of a personal nature, not political or social.

-----------

so, since i last posted, i've spoken to my uncle but the way it came about was really shitty. /62

he is a pretty popular guy because of his sense of humor and charisma - it's hard not to love him when you meet him as he's really a huge sweetheart. so i have this friend that was, funny enough, my first boyfriend when i was in elementary school. he has since grown into a bit of a giant asshat from a political point of view. and of course he knows my uncle. guess he saw my post and decided to insert himself into the situation and try and stir up some possible negative consequences in my own fucking family. before i had a chance to you know, let the holiday pass and be enjoyed by everyone, right as the ball was dropping he went behind my back and asked my uncle if it was indeed his comment or not, because i thought he was a racist. real nice, right?

well since i couldn't trust him i had to delete him and let my hurt turn to anger and then let that subside so i could move forward and speak to my uncle. le sigh...

except he messaged me first and just said, "___mutual friend's name___ giving you a hard time?"
meh...about as much as a 10-year old does until you lock the door and make him go play outside.
and then i went into a bit of a schpeel about how i know he was joking and i'm not some super sensitive PC nut but it upset me and explained my experiences with racism in a very general sense...
and he was just like, "Wow...i meant it like "Con-Gratz"" - more like a play on words

this is not only just a product of communicating online and misinterpreting a person's intentions behind their words because you're not speaking with them face-to-face. this is a big example of how our experiences shape how we see and read things sometimes, as well as how our very current climate of heightened awareness in a sense of being so on-edge because people are being physically threatened and hurt.

there is still a lot of racism in my family. i wonder if he would've made that joke if the players were white. perhaps? i give him some benefit of doubt because of his good nature, but racism is often totally subconscious. when this happens, it's been ingrained early on by surroundings. so we need these discussions to make it conscious so the brain forms new neural pathways, makes new connections, and change happens from the very makeup of our mind and slowly radiates outwards in a ripple effect. it's the only way we're going to conquer it.
User avatar
Beakedbard
ninja with training wheels
Posts: 77
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2016 7:20 am

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby Beakedbard » Tue Jan 03, 2017 1:23 pm

Create a new family you consider your true family? Tis what i did i mean hell you don't have to love them because they are related to you. Or as people have already said ask them to keep their opinions about that stuff to themselves when you are around or just ignore them. There ain't changing people set it their ways like that all you can really do is adapt.
Image
User avatar
ink
God's Fountain Pen
Posts: 2158
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 8:22 pm

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby ink » Fri Jan 13, 2017 11:24 pm

diversity my dear.. they probably hate because isolation puts people in circles where it becomes easy to do so. one day we will take a pic together, make a postcard and send it to them.. tell em you love em.. it stings like vinegar on a papercut, but in a good way! /nod
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





Image
User avatar
NaranjaRa
Nerd lvl: SUPA DUPA
Posts: 2493
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:53 am
Location: in the grove
Contact:

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby NaranjaRa » Sat Jan 14, 2017 12:18 am

oooh we could do like, Christmas cards or something! :giggle:
User avatar
Skywalker
I Feel Ya Sista... Not in that way
Posts: 977
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 4:55 pm
Location: NC

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby Skywalker » Wed Jan 18, 2017 2:40 am

I have a bigoted family, I think that might be from growing up and living in the south.

My Uncle on my dad side as called the mixed kids of his nieces, monkeys, wetbacks, sand n*&^$@, and some other bad stuff.

Even my own damn brother is a bigoted asshole. Whom I have a hard time talking with, but I can be a bigger person, but I am not how much I can keep that up.

Personally, I have just stopped talking with them. I have no place in my life for family who fails to act like family.

I do not need negative people who have narrow-minded worldviews. Who roll into Louisville and lock their doors because black people live there. I don't know, white folks have been the one to steal my shit, while my black next door neighbor shot at their ass, cause we were cool. (I'm white btw). Guy was cool, was sad when he moved away.

So keep in mind you do control who your have in your life.

Skywalker
Image
User avatar
DJ_Darkside
Chunks of Cool
Posts: 406
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2016 3:24 am
Location: Ottawa

Re: How to Deal with Bigoted Family

Postby DJ_Darkside » Thu Jan 19, 2017 3:53 am

Coming from rural Quebec my family is MAJORLY Bigoted. Racially and linguistically. What I did was positively influence the family members who were younger and outright scold the bigots when they let slurs slip. It seems to have worked over the years as the racial statements are all but gone when we are together. Making fun of separatists is still acceptable apparently... I guess I have to come to some sort of compromise. I think the old saying "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" applies here. You can never change some people who are set in their ways but you can let them know outright that you are uncomfortable with it and any family member who truely cares will make an effort to hold it in around you. That's just me though......
Image

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. Kurt Cobain
Image

Spoiler: show
ALL HAIL LIEUTENANT DOCTOR COOLCHUNKIA ESQUIRE THE THIRD JR.!!! Lest she blow chunks of cool up yo asssss!!!
Image
/anna hack! :kiss:

Return to “Lifestyles General”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests