Death

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DJ_Darkside
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Death

Postby DJ_Darkside » Tue Jan 17, 2017 3:58 am

So My life has brought me to stay with my grandparents for a bit so I don't mooch off my roommates at home (bless their souls) since I have no income for the rest of the month. Anyway today I went with them to the funeral of a distant family member who was my hair stylist as a kid and even did my hair for prom. I hardly knew the woman but we Catholics have a tradition called a "Wake" where we would go and view the body, open casket, and pay our respects by saying a little prayer beside their corpse. I hardly knew the woman really but am such an empath that I shed tears during my silent farewell. From what I am told she was healthy and happy up until a little while before she passed.

So this brought on a whole slew of emotions and thoughts about the whole practice of wakes and whether I would want one or not. Would it be my choice? Would I really care. I don't know.

What are your thoughts of death and how how have you dealt with it? How did you explain the process to your children? What do you want to happen to you when you die? Do you have a Will?

Thank you for your thoughts!
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NaranjaRa
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Re: Death

Postby NaranjaRa » Fri Jan 20, 2017 1:28 am

i was brought up Catholic and still think Wakes are odd...uncomfortable...but in a calming, reassuring way. hard to describe, really.

my first real experience with death was when my aunt Annalee (who i am partially named after) was dying of throat cancer (even though she never smoked a cigarette in her life). it was just before Christmas and some of the family gathered at her house to wrap her presents for her and spend time with her. she was literally on her 'death bed'...a hospital bed had been set up in the living room with equipment and a breathing machine. her breathing had been noticeably strange that day and you could just feel something in the air. my cousin and i were upstairs wrapping gifts when my grandmother called us down. Aunt Annalee's breathing had become almost nonexistent. and then just like that, she was gone. right in front of me. right before my eyes. i was young but old enough for the experience to really hit me to the core. the family holds the belief that she was holding on long enough for us to be there with her, and when she knew we were going to take care of Christmas duties for her, she could let go with all of us there.

still brings tears to my eyes...

personally, i'd prefer to be cremated. i don't wish to take up any more space. dust to dust and all....
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Skywalker
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Re: Death

Postby Skywalker » Fri Jan 20, 2017 3:48 am

I remember my dad's Wake/Viewing. It happened the same day as his funeral it was cheaper that way and it was easier on my mom.

On the topic of death in the United States. It is expensive to buy a casket and some headstones OMG, the cost.

Back to death... I am not sure if I will ever process of the death of my dad. It is because he was not only my dad but a friend as well. As I grow older and as does my mom, her protection of my dad to her children is coming down. I have learned some very interesting things about my dad in the past year. Which I will not share here, they are personal.

Thinking of my dad the day that he died. I remember going to buy the bright blue shirt that he wore, along with the black slacks, and shoes. I remember the comment from the funeral director, about how he was glad that we went with the wide model because he was a large guy. He was six feet and was around 200lbs, mostly muscle before the cancer took it and replaced it with fluid, cause his body was shutting down. I remember there was not a seat to be found, it was standing room only.

I took pictures. I took picture of my mom by my dad and her crying. I took photos of him laying at peace. He had finally found peace. I remember people looking at me funny because I was taking photos. It helped, it helped me processes what was going on. I still have them, my mom sometimes look at them. She will cry, it is a process. As they were married for almost 26 years. They never did get to 26. My dad passed before that.

I know that my mom is angry at my dad for dying. People tend not to talk about the anger that happens to the other spouse. She had tried to explain that, but instead, she was ridiculed because people told her that she should not be angry. He was at peace, it is what he wanted. My mom wanted to scream, what about what she wanted!? Never once in her whole marriage did anyone ask what she wanted. Was she not allowed to be angry at him, she thought that his decision to stop chemo without talking with her as selfish. She would have supported him, but he left her out of the loop. She felt that she had no control.

I think that when it comes to death. Control is a large aspect of it. I know that I have talked with my mom about what she wants when she dies. She will be cremated, and her ashes buried next to my dad in Indiana. She hates Indiana, but that is where my dad wanted to be buried, he never asked her. He just chose two plots, next to one another. She will have a small funeral as she doubts many will be there for hers. Just a few friends. I have a feeling that since we will be living in Florida, that it will be held at my sister's church there, as they love the old crazy lady. Me and my sister along with her kids will take her ashes to Indiana (which she hates) and place some in the ground next to my dad. The rest.. if she has places that she has yet to see, I'll take what is left on that trip. Cause why the hell not.

As for a will, yea about that... I know I got control over her estate. This is going to be fun she dies. My younger brother gets nothing. Instead, what he was going to get, goes to my niece and nephew. She has several life insurances polices, that she has been paying on for years.

As for me... please, someone, be ever so kind and send me off in a Viking Way. If that is not possible, I'll like to be turned into a tree (tree pod thing).. or bury me with some old stuff, confuse future archeologist, that is my goal! I have yet to write a will, I got is a laptop, a Boyds Bear Collection and college textbooks, your welcome to what ya want. I don't need them.
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DJ_Darkside
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Re: Death

Postby DJ_Darkside » Fri Jan 20, 2017 5:09 am

Wow Skywalker and Naranja, thank you both so much much for that. I know this is a hard topic for some and I really appreciate both of you sharing that with me and the Ninjas. I haven't lost anyone in my immediate family like a mother or father (even though the last two times I saw him were when I was 5 and the end of my first year of college) but I do remember vividly my second cousin passing. He was the same age as I was and when we were kids he was always the bully. I remember one time he actually threw one of those lawn darts at me and I managed to dodge in time for it to graze my leg.

He was killed by a truck driver who fell asleep at the wheel. Driving home with his pregnant girlfriend one night the flatbed truck ahead of him suddenly slammed on the breaks and they wen crashing into the back of it. Needless to say it was a closed casket funeral. It was the first time I cried with such intensity. We hardly spoke much and were barely friends but god damn.... it could have just as easily been me in there. I held my mother as tight as I could and we both sobbed out in front of the church after desperately trying to hold it in for the entire ceremony to be strong for our family. I felt like a piece of my innocence died that day as well.

I have no idea what the process is like but I don't think I could even be a funeral director and swindle grieving people out of their money. I would go broke because I believe things like that should be of no cost. I know there are costs involved on the other end as well but .... well I wish there weren't.

Again thank you both for sharing.

Skywalker, I would want the same flaming viking raft funeral and if I could (and if it was legal) I would do that for anyone.

NaranjaRa, I can't imagine what seeing a loved one pass right in front of you must be like, my deepest condolences...
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I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. Kurt Cobain
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Re: Death

Postby Feydakin » Fri Jan 20, 2017 3:08 pm

I was brought up Catholic as well. Without getting too far into the weeds here, I feel like wakes in particular are a little too morbid for my taste. I don't not believe necessarily, but I prefer to celebrate peoples lives and who they were before they died than to do the classical Western mourning ceremonies... I treat funerals, etc more as a celebration and a family get together than a "funeral". As for processing or otherwise dealing with death; I have developed the ability to compartmentalize like a motherfucker. Feelings, tasks, parts of my life, everything. Some people think that that makes me cold, but it is in fact just the opposite. If I didn't compartmentalize as well as I do I'd go crazy. ;)
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NaranjaRa
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Re: Death

Postby NaranjaRa » Fri Jan 20, 2017 4:29 pm

no i like that idea Feyd...it's not cold at all. one thing i LOVE about my big crazy Catholic family is that as soon as the funeral is over, when most folks might gather over light snacks, our peeps bust out in full party mode. in fact, the last big family funeral moved from the church hall to a local bar and i won't lie, one of my uncles ended up ON the bar dancing for dollah dollah-bills to be stuffed in his dress slacks. that's just how we roll. because it should be and IS a celebration...of their life and according to your beliefs, their continued life. the funeral is just the bon-voyage for the next journey.

the last funeral i went to was for my grandmother, who was actually my mom's father's second wife. my real grandmother, Annabelle (the other Anna I was named after) passed away (from surprise...more cancer) when my mom was only 13 years old. it was my aunt Annalee, Annabelle's sister, who raised my mom and her 3 siblings. in a way, my grandmother helped raise me as well. so it was extremely difficult to lose her. it involved a lot of horrible things surrounding medications she was taking. at the funeral i could not stop crying. i'd never been like that during any other before...everyone noticed and remarked about how hard i was taking it.

and then there was the Weird Thing That Happened:

grandmother was a cat fanatic if there ever was one. she worked with the local shelter to help raise newborn kittens to be adopted, and at any given time there would be 10-15 kitties running around her house. so the service took place in the giant town Catholic church where so many of my family members have been sent off to the next stage. it was an uncommonly warm January day so they had the front doors propped open. at one point during the service, we started hearing all this hushed whispering and noticed people starting to turn their heads and look towards the back of the church where the doors were.

damn if there wasn't a cat that had just strolled on in, walking right down the middle of the aisle towards the casket. everyone was freaking out! everyone knew how much she loved cats! it was like this little guy also knew...and wanted to come in and say farewell. *wipes tear*

that little guy not only came into the church. he followed us when we took the casket outside to her plot by the river. he just hovered around us during the final prayers. afterwards the family had to go a ways down the street to the hall for the lunch / party starting. and damn if he didn't end up showing up again. he stayed with us through the entire thing.

so yeah...it was wild. touches me still to this day.

hmm.
you know what, i think i'll take a Viking sendoff as well!

also, everyone MUST come in costume to my funeral. NO EXCEPTIONS.
zoo and farm animals also welcome, if not encouraged.
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Re: Death

Postby DJ_Darkside » Sun Jan 22, 2017 1:07 am

Wow... animals are much smarter than we know and are much more in tune with planet earth than we could ever hope to be. Just because a majority of us don't understand the way they live or communicate we classify them as lesser beings. I've always treated animals as a companion and friend rather than a pet... I don't think I've ever mentioned my old cats Wednesday and Pugsley in here. I found them on the side of the road one winter and took them in. They were twin black cats, brother and sister and never left each other's side. Unfortunately they passed away 2 years ago, Pugsley first and then Wednesday a month later died of a broken heart. They would actually show affection to people I liked and stayed away from people I had bad feelings about by both crawling on my shoulders and eyeing them ... sometimes hissing at the really bad one unless I told them to "shush"

Freyd I agree 100% with you. I actually held back from taking and pictures at that funeral as French people get angry easily and I didn't want to cause shit for my Grandparents. I did manage to take a sweet picture of the Cadillac Hearse though...
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I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. Kurt Cobain
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ALL HAIL LIEUTENANT DOCTOR COOLCHUNKIA ESQUIRE THE THIRD JR.!!! Lest she blow chunks of cool up yo asssss!!!
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Re: Death

Postby NaranjaRa » Tue Jan 24, 2017 9:38 am

so, i just found out about 10hrs ago that one of my best and most beloved friends in the entire world passed in his sleep Saturday morning.

i cannot express here in words how much he meant to me. how much of an angel he was in my life during some of my hardest times.
we grew up down the road from each other. and we loved each other since we were 17 years old.

and because i am now some distance from his family and friends, and won't be able to attend the service on Monday, i feel a bit as if i am here in mourning all alone.

since this thread exists now, i figured i could sort of document the process i'm going through, since usually when i've experienced the passing of a loved one i tend to withdraw from the world and play ostrich with my head in a dark hole. actually, i tend to slip into depression when i've lost people who are the most important to me, like my grandmother mentioned earlier. i don't want that to happen again and am resisting with all i am.

----------------

so, i read the news through a post his wife made on Farcebook and all i could do was sit there frozen. it's like the words didn't register at first. so i kept reading it over and over, falling deeper and deeper into shock each time. i felt my body grow tense, and i felt my entire self slide into a somewhat altered state. i had to get away from social media and i started watching a documentary to take my mind off of it all. at some point i drifted to sleep.

i woke up after about an hour and a half, and the realization literally flooded right back to the forefront of my mind, instantly making my body seize up. and i felt myself return to that strange altered-state again...and this feeling i can only relate to the sensation i believe most people had waking up the day after 9-11. it's the sensation that it's *just not real*...where you have to question yourself, "did that just happen?!?!"

so far tonight, i have passed out and awoken with this same realization 4 more times.
i am hoping this posts helps to solidify it in my soul so that i can rest without this gut-wrenching feeling over and over and over again...

i think i am in the shock and anger stage.

//more as it comes to me...
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Re: Death

Postby DJ_Darkside » Tue Jan 24, 2017 7:56 pm

NaranjaRa wrote:so, i just found out about 10hrs ago that one of my best and most beloved friends in the entire world passed in his sleep Saturday morning.

i cannot express here in words how much he meant to me. how much of an angel he was in my life during some of my hardest times.
we grew up down the road from each other. and we loved each other since we were 17 years old.

and because i am now some distance from his family and friends, and won't be able to attend the service on Monday, i feel a bit as if i am here in mourning all alone.

since this thread exists now, i figured i could sort of document the process i'm going through, since usually when i've experienced the passing of a loved one i tend to withdraw from the world and play ostrich with my head in a dark hole. actually, i tend to slip into depression when i've lost people who are the most important to me, like my grandmother mentioned earlier. i don't want that to happen again and am resisting with all i am.

----------------

so, i read the news through a post his wife made on Farcebook and all i could do was sit there frozen. it's like the words didn't register at first. so i kept reading it over and over, falling deeper and deeper into shock each time. i felt my body grow tense, and i felt my entire self slide into a somewhat altered state. i had to get away from social media and i started watching a documentary to take my mind off of it all. at some point i drifted to sleep.

i woke up after about an hour and a half, and the realization literally flooded right back to the forefront of my mind, instantly making my body seize up. and i felt myself return to that strange altered-state again...and this feeling i can only relate to the sensation i believe most people had waking up the day after 9-11. it's the sensation that it's *just not real*...where you have to question yourself, "did that just happen?!?!"

so far tonight, i have passed out and awoken with this same realization 4 more times.
i am hoping this posts helps to solidify it in my soul so that i can rest without this gut-wrenching feeling over and over and over again...

i think i am in the shock and anger stage.

//more as it comes to me...


I'm so sorry to hear than NaranjaRa. You have my deepest sympathies. Please try to stay out of that deep dark hole as it keeps you from seeing even the brightest days, we are here for you. Celebrate his life and remember the good times and what they meant to you as those are all we have in the end. Remember he is not truly gone and it will not be the last time you feel his energy flowing through you as he will always be a part of your soul. :heart: :heart: :heart: I send you healing vibes and hope that your finding closure in this this comes with minimal difficulty.
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I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. Kurt Cobain
Image

Spoiler: show
ALL HAIL LIEUTENANT DOCTOR COOLCHUNKIA ESQUIRE THE THIRD JR.!!! Lest she blow chunks of cool up yo asssss!!!
Image
/anna hack! :kiss:
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NaranjaRa
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Re: Death

Postby NaranjaRa » Wed Jan 25, 2017 2:30 am

DJ_Darkside wrote:I'm so sorry to hear than NaranjaRa. You have my deepest sympathies. Please try to stay out of that deep dark hole as it keeps you from seeing even the brightest days, we are here for you. Celebrate his life and remember the good times and what they meant to you as those are all we have in the end. Remember he is not truly gone and it will not be the last time you feel his energy flowing through you as he will always be a part of your soul. :heart: :heart: :heart: I send you healing vibes and hope that your finding closure in this this comes with minimal difficulty.


bless u DJ....your words are indeed comforting and after finally getting more than 2hrs of sleep straight i feel a bit better and more accepting today. it feels like it's moved to the pit of my stomach at this point.

i want to reach out to his wife, but don't want to crowd her. i want to reach out to his mom, who has now lost both of her sons, but don't want to add extra sadness. not sure what is appropriate. not sure if anyone ever does in these situations...
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Re: Death

Postby NaranjaRa » Thu Jan 26, 2017 1:47 am

today is hard as it's my birthday and i feel like the death of my friend will forever be tied to this day, this age. i am remembering so much of the time spent with him and it warms me...it does help. but i'm still angry. i've not really been able to cry properly, either, which is usually something that comes way too easy for me. i wrote a letter to his wife but haven't sent it. i still feel like i'm intruding. i sometimes felt like she didn't like me very much because whenever he & i would get together it was nothing but old stories and she almost became like the 3rd wheel. it's a sucky position to be in, not knowing what exactly to say or do.

he loved foxes, so one day, as soon as i can, i will visit where he rests and bring him a stuffed fox instead of flowers. that's probably when i will truly be able to have closure....when i can finally say goodbye in person.

oh look, just with the thought of that eventual moment, tears.... //....

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