Ninja Evolution 3.0

I am very sorry that I have not been as active as I would have liked and I have missed this.

This is very important to you, thus it is important to me.

You need to remember to take it one day at at time. I understand about the rent aspect of this, with ever increasing rents going up. There does feel like there is no end in sight.

Just remember to take time for yourself, take a moment even if it is a walk like ink has suggested. I know that it has helped me.

I understand about the anxiety. It has been almost two years since I have worked. I fear for the day when I have to return to work. Will I be able to handle it? Personally, I'd like to live in a hole, with internet access. I know that is not possible, not in today world.

So remember that if you need to talk, send me a message find me on skype (when I can get it working again). I'll be there to listen, even if all you need to do is vent.

Skywalker wrote:You need to remember to take it one day at at time. I understand about the rent aspect of this, with ever increasing rents going up. There does feel like there is no end in sight.

Just remember to take time for yourself, take a moment even if it is a walk like ink has suggested. I know that it has helped me.

I understand about the anxiety. It has been almost two years since I have worked. I fear for the day when I have to return to work. Will I be able to handle it? Personally, I'd like to live in a hole, with internet access. I know that is not possible, not in today world.

That's the thing, putting myself into that situation, building myself a home in a hole on a piece of land somewhere with some kind of internet access is the only way I can possibly see my life ending happily. Every other angle which I have considered seems bleak and depressing. Living in the woods with my garden and my animals sounds infinitely better than working for 60+ more years until I can afford to stop working and then spend my last few years slowly dying while reflecting on a life of meaningless busywork. I don't believe in any sort of afterlife. I understand that if I took my own life, that would be the end of me. My one shot at life, revoked.

However, if there's no way to get my life to a place where I don't feel miserable, what's the point in drudging along? What's the point in taking the long way 'round? "Valar Morghulis", seems appropriate. And none of my time on this planet is for myself anymore. I don't live for my own benefit, I live because of the wishes of others. If I were to act for my own benefit, it would be to take my life and revert to the serenity of non-existence; Where my mind wouldn't be constantly flooded with thoughts of self-loathing and worry, panic and sorrow, terror and longing. It wouldn't be flooded with anything. It would just stop. All of it. Finally. I just want to stop thinking so much.

That's why I smoke weed. It makes my mind calm down. It makes the thoughts trying to pile over themselves to be most prevalent in my mind chill the fuck out for a little while. Unfortunately, even that is now causing some mild relaxing of my sinus muscles, making it more strenuous to breathe through the nose alone while falling asleep, so I can no longer use weed (or at least dabs, and presumably bud) to get to sleep. If I try, I just toss and turn for hours because my brain doesn't want to fall asleep without being able to comfortably breathe subconsciously through my nose.

Fuck, I just wanna die so this can all be done. I don't want to keep doing anything. It feels like every aspect of my life is a weight bearing down on my shoulders; I feel like I've been crushed for so long by everything that I don't even want to bother with any of it anymore. Every loved one who would weep at my blood, every friend who would spend months uncertain why this happened, every job, every bill, every problem or grievance or mistake, however minor, all add up to the metaphorical image of my exhausted body lying hopeless and decaying under a mountain of weights. I just can't envision anything in my future which would be worth this price. I just want to be done, already. I legitimately don't know how people keep doing this day after day for a century or more. I wanna get it all over with and I'm not even a quarter of a century old. I can barely convince myself that tomorrow is gonna be worth it as it is.

I just want to feel like I have some measure of control over my life. I just want to be able to decide what I do with my life instead of being forced into making shitty split decisions at the last minute and never ending up anywhere that makes me happy. It feels like the only way I can completely take back the reigns of control over my own life is to make the one massive decision, the one which ends it. If I don't do that, everything for the rest of my life will be more compromises and more half-measures and more last-minute split-decisions which leave me unhappy and unsatisfied and wanting to kill myself. I don't want that future, but the harder I try to find a future I want, the more I realize that the only futures which could possibly make me happy exist solely in my imagination. Every time I finally come across a nugget of an idea that feels like a good direction to travel in, something or someone almost immediately crushes it. After a while, I have just run out of ideas, and now I realize that I don't even want a future, because I don't want to live for myself. I am only alive because the weights on my shoulders don't want me to die.

I feel like a comatose patient on life support, only living because I'm being forced to, only perpetuating my existence because the one thing that feels like it could allow me control over my life has been taken from me. My personal agency and my right to my own life have been taken from me, and there is no option left to take them back. All I can do is sit here and hope I get hit by a plane, or catch a rare and incurable disease, or just suddenly have a massive heart attack or stroke or something and die on the spot.

Why does everyone insist on making me live? I just want to die.

Stop being a bitch should be your first move.. then read everything you wrote and wonder if you are the only one in the world that feels like this today .. the answer is no and i'm not even talking about the past. People on this very board carry the world on their shoulders and are having the nightmare of surviving. its a fucking struggle. now i'm taking this tone because when people talk about dying Ninja kicks in with support because they are nice and genuinely care.. but its clearly not helping here. The World doesn't owe you shit. you are on your own.. make a decision, you either crawl on your knees and struggle your ass out of whatever situations you are in or you shrug your shoulders and say you did your best.. and take a running jump. its that simple.. "do I want to live like this? like something else? or not at all?" There are answers to your problems but it aint gunna be handed to you on a sunday platter. Feel Me?

Zombie wrote:Stop being a bitch should be your first move.. then read everything you wrote and wonder if you are the only one in the world that feels like this today .. the answer is no and i'm not even talking about the past. People on this very board carry the world on their shoulders and are having the nightmare of surviving. its a fucking struggle. now i'm taking this tone because when people talk about dying Ninja kicks in with support because they are nice and genuinely care.. but its clearly not helping here. The World doesn't owe you shit. you are on your own.. make a decision, you either crawl on your knees and struggle your ass out of whatever situations you are in or you shrug your shoulders and say you did your best.. and take a running jump. its that simple.. "do I want to live like this? like something else? or not at all?" There are answers to your problems but it aint gunna be handed to you on a sunday platter. Feel Me?

Yes, I do, and I apologize if I was ever unclear but I have understood all of that from the very beginning. That is the reason I said I don't understand how people do this for a century or longer, because I know life's a struggle and I know everyone experiences it in one way or another. I do not want to live like this, or like anything else I can possibly imagine, like I said in my last post, but circumstances dictate that I cannot escape this situation through death, either. Instead, I'm trying to find a nugget of wisdom in the mad ventings of my mind or the thoughts of others to explain in some manner how I can live without wanting to die. I'm not here for sympathy, I'm not here for support, I'm not here to be told that I'm a beautiful person who deserves to live, I'm here to find ideas from people who have been through similar shit, and to get these words out of my head and onto a page where I can try to interpret them. So far, I haven't found my solution, but if you think I don't already spend every single goddamned minute of my life pulling myself up by my bootstraps, convincing myself to "Stop being a bitch", to keep moving forward, to keep soldiering on, to stay alive, then you haven't understood a thing I've written up until this point.

ink wrote:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eBUcBfkVCo

"Everything there was to do seemed like too much work; I would come home and I would see the red light flashing on my answering machine, and instead of being thrilled to hear from my friends, I would think, 'What a lot of people that is to have to call back.' Or I would decide I should have lunch, and then I would think, 'But I'd have to get the food out, and put it on a plate, and cut it up, and chew it, and swallow it, and it felt to me like the stations of the cross. And one of the things that often gets lost in discussions of depression is that you know it's ridiculous, you know it's ridiculous while you're experiencing it. You know that most people manage to listen to their messages, and eat lunch, and organize themselves to take a shower and go out the front door, and that it's not a big deal, and yet you are nonetheless in its grip and you are unable to figure out any way around it. And so, I began to feel myself doing less, and thinking less, and feeling less, it was a kind of nullity, and then the anxiety set in."

This guy speaks so much truth. Thank you for sharing this, ink. I'm not even that far in, but I already can relate so deeply to his words.

Edit: Just finished it after a lot of pausing and rewinding to make sure I heard it all. That idea of a lack of vitality is very accurate. I am a bit disappointed in how vague he was about treatments, but I also understand it. Issues with the brain are always going to be very unique, and treatment is going to be tricky to nail down except through trial and error. I did like the description of standard Western mental health treatment, sitting them in a dingy room, without any drumming, or any community, to talk one-on-one about bad things that have happened to them. Yeah, that would be pretty depressing.