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Mother-Daughter Relationships

Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 3:25 pm
by Skywalker
Ever fuck one up? Cause I think I have with my mom and mine.

Last night, my mom and sister were starting to get into it about my sister's ex-husband. I took the side of my sister and that hurt my mom. She told me this morning that I was her rock, not that now. That I was the one person who would also stand behind her, not happening now.

I just did not want it to end up in a knock-out drag-out fight. I am personally tired of being in charge of my sister's children. I now my mom is tired of always watching her kids. While my sister sits up in her room sleeping because she is sick, yet again. I am making his lunch, ensuring that he is safe. I get that she works 3rd shift, our own parents worked 3rd shift. They never slept this much or handed us off to anyone.

This has gotten my mom upset, she has told me that she is unable to trust me. Unable to rely on me in times of distress. I was the one person who helped her make sense of the world. I am no longer that person and she has no one now.

I have a good reason for siding with my sister, my mom has been having rollover seizures for the past few days. She has not been well, the other day she forgot how to turn off the shower. There are some early warning signs of old-timers. She will not get tested for it because she does not have it. There is that and her doctor will not test for because of her young age.

I am unsure of how to repair this problem. I did tell her why I sided with my sister. I stated the reasons being that I did not want it to end up in a fight where things were tossed and people got so mad that it did not end well. I did state that even if I apologized that she would not believe me and that my actions can be the only thing that would prove that I would be that person who she could trust. I know that I have sown the seeds of doubt. That is nothing that I can take back. There is no going back, only going forward.

I have been doing this I was 16, taking care of my mom. I knew that there would be a time that I said something, did something, that upset past the point of return. I just never planned for it. I am not sure if our relationship will go back to what it was, but I do hope that it gets better, maybe than before. Maybe she finally saw me as an adult and not a 16-year-old kid.

Not sure if I am asking for advice or just wanting a place to put my thoughts...


Re: Mother-Daughter Relationships

Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:35 pm
by Zansi'Vara
I'm sorry, Sky. I've said and done things before that I immediately wanted to take back, or even that I still stood behind, but ended up damaging a friendship in the process. It's never a good feeling. :(

Re: Mother-Daughter Relationships

Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2017 8:42 pm
by Skywalker
It is not a good feeling. Makes me feel like a worthless human, and I have caused someone to lose faith in humanity.

I do no think that it is beyond repair, but the only thing to happen is that it will change.

I have been looking after my mom since I was 16, and it only got more involved after my dad died. I was and am the only person that she confided in. I hope that I did not break that trust. If I did, I hope that there is a way in which to fix it.

//sorry about the choppiness of what I wrote and the mistakes in spelling and grammar in my first post.

Re: Mother-Daughter Relationships

Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2017 8:52 am
by NaranjaRa
sure have.

and a good deal of the static started around a time when i believe we were really beginning to see each other as adult people versus "mom" & "kid".
so i think you nailed it when you theorized this recent conflict as a time your mom has started to see you as an adult.

like any relationship, even those with our parents take work. there's always an ebb and flow...high times and low times. this becomes even more evident as we get older and things become more complex.

i also have a feeling that your mom's illness is affecting how she's seeing the situation and your place in it, and her relationship with you. i know it sure does for me, all the time. my husband and my mom have both been on the receiving end of mood swings and tirades that come out of me when i'm not well. because you're not really yourself. you don't think properly when you're having a health-flare, or even just afterwards. you lash out at the people you love most, who do the most for you. partly because you know at the core, they will understand. it's safe to take out our frustrations on the ones who we are closest to. and of course it's shitty. it feels even worse realizing later that might have happened. sometimes pride gets in the way of apologies and repair. that stress - of knowing you fucked up - can then cause even more retreat and refusal to deal. not to mention your fam just moved. sounds like it was a lot for her, and recent seizures might be really scaring her no matter how stubborn she is about treatment. a lot of folks don't want to be tested...because they don't want to know the results!

so i would definitely advise giving her, and yourself some time to process. heal a bit before re-opening that dialog.

my relationship with my own mom is often strained due to financial problems. but i also know she gets frustrated because she only wants to see me taken care of and comfortable. they want the best for us. and a lot of times, its us, as the children, who often need to stand up and be the Adult in these situations. sometimes, we have to be the ones who teach them something new.

because no matter what we do, our folks can't help but still always see us as their babies. i've had many strained situations where my mom and i didn't talk for months and months. we hurt each other all the time. a lot of times it's just miscommunication. i've also learned how similar we are, and see that i've responded to a lot of things the exact same way she does. can't help but butt heads when that happens.

but those are also the times when our relationship has grown the most. after those horrible, long talks....after some mutual conclusion is reached....we walk away with a wider perspective and new level of understanding between each other.

try to hold that idea, give it some time...vent here...and know that she doesn't mean some of the stuff she said. deep down your mom knows how much you've done and continue to do for her.

Re: Mother-Daughter Relationships

Posted: Wed May 24, 2017 10:17 pm
by Skywalker
Thank YOU!

While I may have gone away for a bit after posting this. It did help, it helped a lot. It helped me put a lot into perspective with my mom, with myself. Overall, it is what I needed.

Thank you, again. It helped me understand so much.

<3 Beth