Sometimes I think...

[Phara]

... that I don't know how to be happy. That it can be scary to realize that realization.

Im literally watching the sun come out on this screen as I capture this tiny magical moment of watching this scene unfold around me. Acknowledging that this is what they call that, this moment of wonder and light.

[AliceElite]

... that my son is going to end up too high functioning to be friends with autistic kids, and too autistic to be friends with neurotypical kids. But then I look at his beautiful eyes and I know other people are going to love him just as much as I do. <3 <3

@phara: feel happy in knowing you created this. <3 Every time you cry because you have so may emotions about this community? That's joy and love. Hold that.

[Rwn]

... That no matter how hard I try I'm still getting nowhere in life. Every time I try to take a step forward this world slaps me in the face and tell me to shut up and sit down.

Early in life I fucked up... A lot. I screwed up high school, I enrolled in the army... And seriously fucked that up... Royally.

But since then I've grown quite a bit and decided to stop screwing myself... Not that it matters.

Literally every time I've tried to go to school a life changing event has happened and I've had to move states. Just some examples: I moved back in with my parents so I could afford school without putting myself in crippling debt (something no one should ever have to do) and then boom right before I start my father loses his job and has to relocate to another state...
Okay, now another example. Once again I'm about to start school. Things are going great, I'm living relatively comfortably. And bam the girlfriends mother dies of a heroin OD. So we move back to washington to get custody her my girlfriends little sister so she doesn't end up with the fucking insane aunt or the little sisters alcoholic crack addict of a father.

And well now I'm in fucking West Seattle doing everything I can just to fucking make ends meet in this ridiculously expensive shit hole. School? How the fuck can I even look at that? If I'm not working 40 hours a week I'm not eating. Simple as that.

I'd love to move out of this super expensive state but no. The aunt ended up with visitation rights, so we can't even legally leave the surrounding counties. Fucking worthless lawyer...

How the hell do I end up in these situations constantly?

Was I an evil bastard who spent his free time drop kicking puppies into a sharks mouth in my free time?

Fucking fuckity fuck fuck...

[Kay]

... that I'm going to die alone with my only friend being a small dog who keeps me company

I'm not marriage material. I'm sick with a disease that costs $5.5 THOUSAND a month to even manage.
That's not including MRI's, Doctor visits, lab work, etc. lol

Who in their right fucking mind would ever, even for a moment, consider inviting such a problem to share their life with them?

I'm pretty sure I'm going to die alone because I consider myself a decent person... And I wouldn't ^^^

[NaranjaRa]

... that i don't like most people. not at all really.

and then, i turn right around and feel immense love for everyone.


//shrug
it's very confusing.

[Phara]

... that this board will literally be my life or death because just seeing what was written on this first page so far has blown me away so fucking hard. SO. FUCKING. HARD.

[Rwn]

I forgot to mention something.

I was set up to get a promotion that would lead to me being a corporate trainer and store auditor. Not great pay but around 50k a year starting... And then I broke my ankle and that got fucked... Yay me

[Corgimom]

I have had a wonderful life.

Two great romances that both gave me years of such joy! I have no words to thank those women. I just can’t see myself surviving another tsunami like those melt my bones passions nor can I see myself settling.

My daughter would be 43 if she were alive. My son is 41. For me children were joy and pain in near equal measure. Imagine two beautiful, creative, talented souls that strive and care who were born into my bedlam growing into adults? A parent’s torture is that our children never believe in themselves as we do and we can never give them enough.

From the outside I have everything. My house and car are paid for. When I want or need something I can buy it. The only chronic disease I have is dissatisfaction. I am sure there is something else I am supposed to do but I can’t quite figure it out.

[Kay]

... That living my pretend Christian life is going to get me in deep trouble with some of the people I love and who truly care about me. I'm terrified of when that day comes.

[Zombie]

I'm too hard on everyone around me, I fear that if I'm not they will just settle for whatever mediocre crap happens to fall at their feet.

[Phara]

I have had a wonderful life.

Two great romances that both gave me years of such joy! I have no words to thank those women. I just can’t see myself surviving another tsunami like those melt my bones passions nor can I see myself settling.

My daughter would be 43 if she were alive. My son is 41. For me children were joy and pain in near equal measure. Imagine two beautiful, creative, talented souls that strive and care who were born into my bedlam growing into adults? A parent’s torture is that our children never believe in themselves as we do and we can never give them enough.

From the outside I have everything. My house and car are paid for. When I want or need something I can buy it. The only chronic disease I have is dissatisfaction. I am sure there is something else I am supposed to do but I can’t quite figure it out.

"the only chronic disease I have is dissatisfaction"

fuckin' brilliant

[Phara]

... that watching the sunrise can be the most beautiful thing in the world.

Full Stop.

I have to learn to full stop.

[BigMush]

.. that the world is going to a certain death, morally and socially..

But internet shows a clearer picture than the news fed realityshow we know as "life"

I actually think we're good.. to some degree.

[Phara]

..

I actually think we're good.. to some degree.

i like that

[Kay]

... that maybe I should want to be alone because it's what I know

[Ron]

...that being alone is okay. Only sometimes though. The rest of the time being alone sucks.

[Kay]

... that Bubbles sucks donkey balls

[Brewtality]

... that I fuck things up on purpose subconsciously.

[Zansi'Vara]

...that maybe I just won't find someone to settle down with. Maybe that won't happen for a long while. It's all I've dreamed of since I was a child, but maybe I will just have to learn to live alone before I deserve to find that kind of happiness.

[ink]

...that im alone in my own afflictions, then God shows up through someone i completely did not expect

[NaranjaRa]

...that im alone in my own afflictions, then God shows up through someone i completely did not expect

omg this so hard.

[girlapaloo]

"…Stop getting so far ahead of yourself that you have an anxiety attack. Focus on right now…"

[Kay]

... that I've completely failed on all levels. Who the fuck loses track of so much time that they're 30 minutes late to work?! Who the fuck does that? I can't even blame the weed. I was completely sober.

[Phara]

... that my self loathing will be my undoing.

I'm trying to fight it.

[Syreeta]

... that my self loathing will be my undoing.

I'm trying to fight it.

I have alot pf experience with self loathing, its a really tough one to battle


totally unjusitified too, because you are worth loving not loathing

without going on about my own stuff ...I've had a life journey with this one, I just wanted to say you're not alone with this.

its like living with an enemy at times, and even when all is going well...it can pop up and really fuck with you( in my experience anyway )


Its a dark horrible place I spent many years in, but there is hope....I'm allmost clear here but I still beat myself up way too hard, way too often.