ETHICAL Non-monogamy Discussion

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Shumaza
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Postby Shumaza » Mon Apr 11, 2016 6:18 pm

Ok so I will be updating this OP over time to set some base explanations on the varied types of ETHICAL non-monogamy and what they encompass. Whether it's Polyarmoy *multiple loving and committed relationships* swinging *couples who have solely sexual interactions with others* or just an open sexual policy, I want this to be a place to open and honestly discuss the topic. whether it's something you are interested in, curious about, want to debate or share please feel free!

That being said though, BE RESPECTFUL!!!
You can disagree with those of us who don't see monogamy as a valid form of relationships and you can even debate the issue but lets keep it at least civil!

So with that being said for now, feel free to discuss!!
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girlapaloo
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Postby girlapaloo » Mon Apr 11, 2016 6:56 pm

Like so many others, I have been socially conditioned to believe that monogamy is the only ethical choice.

I understand now that love, romance and sexuality can be much more complicated.
Because of my own social programming I don't think I will ever be able to see my husband give affection to someone else and not be jealous. I think it's perfectly natural for a person to desire love/sex/connection with more than just one partner at a time, though.
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MAK
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Postby MAK » Mon Apr 11, 2016 7:39 pm

//reserved
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AliceElite
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Postby AliceElite » Tue Apr 12, 2016 1:43 pm

girlapaloo wrote:Like so many others, I have been socially conditioned to believe that monogamy is the only ethical choice.

I understand now that love, romance and sexuality can be much more complicated.
Because of my own social programming I don't think I will ever be able to see my husband give affection to someone else and not be jealous. I think it's perfectly natural for a person to desire love/sex/connection with more than just one partner at a time, though.


I have come to realize that that programming is something we have to actively train ourselves out of. I still get jealous but I know that for various reasons I can't give my partner everything he wants, and that's okay - rationally I understand and honestly I am okay with us reaching outside our relationship but society has definitely trained me to feel jealous. If I don't have a disney version of love it isn't good enough, and that's just plain wrong.

Personally I think jealousy is alright to have, it's a natural emotional response, but it's not something your partner should have to be punished for. My jealousy is my own - I'm not going to prevent him from acting on his desires because of my personal problem. Once you start letting jealousy affect your relationship then you have a problem.

I've cheated in every monogamous relationship I've ever had so I'm very definitely a non-monogamous person. Trying to force myself to be with only one person always, ALWAYS ends in cheating so I'm just going to be honest from the get go about who I am.
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Shumaza
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Postby Shumaza » Tue Apr 12, 2016 2:26 pm

The thing about jealousy is that it's a completely internal emotion. everyone experiences jealousy, that's just human nature even in monogamous relationships. The key is how you HANDLE those emotions. While cheating isn't ok behavior i think a good deal of cheating especially in long term relationships comes down to this issue. No one person will ever be able to fulfill all of your needs or desires. I don't care what anyone says, it's just not true. You may be happy with what you are getting but you are never going to meet anyone who will do these things fully. So instead of people being honest with their partners and their desires, we have a society that shuns anything outside of monogamy thus leading people who lie and betray trust in pursuit of their desire.

What's absolutely crazy in my mind is that we as a society view cheating as something more acceptable than an open relationship.... that just boggles my mind. I once fooled around with a woman who told me she couldn't see me because my wife knew and was ok with me being with other women but if i was cheating on her she would be ok with that! Like she kept asking me if i was just saying she was ok with it and trying to get me to say i was cheating so she could be ok with it!!!
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AliceElite
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Postby AliceElite » Fri Apr 15, 2016 11:32 pm

I agree, the fact that cheating is considered more common than just having an open relationship is bizarre.

like...wtf is this 'side bae' bullshit now? Like...does your main bae know? or are we just glorifying dishonesty now?

//confused
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cerrodepedro
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Postby cerrodepedro » Sun Apr 17, 2016 3:54 am

Oh my goodness. Shumaza, thank you for making this topic. So many experiential thoughts on the subject, but I'd be terribly curious to know what a deep, longitudinal study of a couple hundred stratified subjects, one group monogamous but in similar socio economic situations to another group of poly folks would result in. I feel like if you wanted to get way nerdy, you could form a very quality questionnaire out of painfully cerebral shit like this: The reliability of relationship satisfaction: a reliability generalization meta-analysis

Either way, my negative takeaway from being a second is that I went into the relationship really expecting to be a second, very intimate and giving, but not being the source for everything as far as what fulfillment someone can gain from a romantic and sexual and platonic relationship. Regardless of this, I was. The partner's spouse (who was okay with everything) was just an emotional wasteland. Couldn't give much or open up much. The partner essentially wanted me to do everything in husbanding that the husband wasn't willing or able to do. And that difference in, shall we say, relationship parity, made the whole experience rather difficult and full of tension (not so much the fun kind).

As far as positives, though, as a second I felt like a vacation for the person, and that was extremely gratifying. I think the societally conditioned scandalousness of a second relationship made it so we did wilder things, like jump each other in a mini van or try to arouse the hell out of each other clandestinely during a card game with no touch and fully clothed. Those things were fun, and we really achieved some intimacy. Present better boundaries and more vulnerability from both of us I think it could've had a very long and happy life (the relationship).

Another observation I've noticed is that people who I know who really are gaining some happiness from poly relationships with all their partners pick folks with really complementary personalities. I'm no Meyers-Briggs junkie, but I did notice that, for example, clearer, more intellectual types work so well with the more intense and feelings-oriented types, give me a feeling of ease and free-ness around them, a complete contrast to the feelings I get where there is, for example, an abusive dynamic.

I'll have more to say on this once I get a chance to gather my thoughts more completely. Amazing stuff y'all have said already. Alice, thank you for so much sharing.
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Shumaza
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Postby Shumaza » Sun Apr 17, 2016 12:30 pm

being a third in an already established relationship is definitely a tricky situation. A lot of the time couples tend not to give the third person the industry in the relationship that they deserve. They become more of a thing than a partner which isn't ok. I'm actually one of those poly people who hate terms like second because it means this person who you say you love comes second and will never get a true relationship our of the experience. you're basically put in the position of being a glorified fuck buddy. I mean if that's what everyone wants then no big deal but a lot of the time couples will lead someone to believe that it's more than that when really what that person ends up being is a convenient dalliance.
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girlapaloo
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Postby girlapaloo » Tue Apr 26, 2016 5:40 pm

/bump
More thoughts on this topic, please.
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NaranjaRa
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Re: ETHICAL Non-monogamy Discussion

Postby NaranjaRa » Fri Jan 20, 2017 5:24 am

yeah....bump again!

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