Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Writers Rule... especially Ninja Writers.
User avatar
AliceElite
//wrestles darkness...WINS!
Posts: 607
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:54 am

Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Postby AliceElite » Thu Jun 23, 2016 10:40 pm

Tear my shit to shreds. I want to self-publish some of my stuff, so please please pleassseeeeee constructive criticism would be most most welcome.

How to critique a poem
Spoiler: show
Candee wrote:I want to be able to help the amazing poets we have on the forum but don't feel particularly equipped to speak on poetry. This list is helpful. Please share if you have any other tips for critiquing poetry.

When you are in a dedicated poetry writing group, critiquing well is not such an issue because usually most members know the basics. However, in a mixed group of writers where maybe only two or three write poetry, it can be a challenge for the fiction and nonfiction writers to feel like they can say anything useful.


The key to a good poem is that every word should count, from start to finish. I also think a poem should have some kind of progression happening, a sense of movement forward for the reader rather than just a lump of words standing in one place.
The following tips and suggestions might be useful. These are ones I’ve used as the basis of workshopping in my classes for years, with some added extras.

Is it a good title? Does it add something more to the poem? Be wary of titles that are just labels (e.g. Sky or Daffodils) if there is the potential for something stronger. Using Poem or Sonnet etc as your title is a wasted opportunity.

Does the first line work? Does it pull the reader into the poem, make the poem inviting or engaging right from the start? Or is it a bit weak or explanatory?

Does the poem use strong language and imagery? Does it use strong, specific nouns and verbs, or does it over-rely on adjectives and adverbs? Does it create word pictures or ideas as you read it?

Do you feel fully engaged throughout the poem, or are there places where your attention drops? Are there wordy or slow parts that could be tightened?

Does the poet use metaphors and similes in original ways? Are they fitting to the poem’s subject or are they too ‘odd’? (i.e. the poet has tried too hard)

Do the line breaks work? Has the poet broken lines effectively for rhythm, sound and meaning? Often line breaks can work like punctuation – is that happening effectively? If there are lines carried over (enjambed) does this work?

Has the poet used stanza breaks? Do they work? Would the poem benefit from more or less stanza breaks?

Has the poet used white space effectively? Do you feel there is room for you as the reader to enter the poem?

Does the poem end strongly? What is the last line doing? Does it introduce something odd or irrelevant at the end? Does it leave you with something to think about?

Do you understand (more or less) what the poet is trying to tell you? Or is the poem too obscure or impenetrable? Does the poem excite or at least satisfy you?

Often I hear writers say it doesn’t matter to them if people don’t understand their poems. But if you want readers (and presenting your poems to a critique group implies you do) then you need to communicate to them effectively. If most of the people in the group can’t understand what you are on about, maybe you need to rethink what your poems are doing, and why.
If you have any more tips for critiquing poems, please do share!



Rip apart any and all of these that you want. If something feels good and you can't think of any good criticisms, that's good too - it lets me know that you thought about it and it was good, and that you didn't just skip that one. <3 <3

Poems

Wild
Spoiler: show
Why don’t you go find her, instead of making her out of me.
Find yourself a southern belle, that blonde beauty who'll laugh at just the right time and let you dote on her, and own her.
Find yourself a desert rose, one of those cactus flowers you find in the part of the world where it hardly ever rains.
I won't be that for you.
I want to be the mustang, the horse you never could break.
I'll never be your country girl with her yellows and oranges, the pale lavender of lilacs and the soft blue of the sky like you want me to be.
No, I want to live life in every shade, in red like blood, pink like the neon lights, and green like my backyard.
I will be vibrantly rash! Make decisions based on my turbulent emotions and then try and take them back four hours later.
I will walk like I have somewhere to be, damnit, because where I am going is important.
When my classmates see me at our reunions, I'll smile at them, those normal people, and treat them like they’re just as important as I am,
because they are.
I will bring out my inner Monroe, Millay, the Bettie Page I know lurks beneath my surface, and shock the world with what I have to offer!
I will rebel against a stress-free environment, because anything that's ever worth having comes with a price.
Something I don't think you ever understood.
Arguments with my husband will abound.
If I'm feeling adventurous, I might even throw a plate or two.
My sex will be rough, intense, beautiful, soft, glorious, and varied!
When I will cry, I will cry like a four year old who drops her ice cream in the dirt,
And I will always buy my four year old a second ice cream when it happens to her.
The laughter that flows from my mouth is loud, honest, and happy.
Why didn't you ever listen to my laughter?
But maybe this is all my fault.
Maybe all of our fights, all of our differences, our expectations and who we were together hinged on one slight miscommunication.
Maybe this is all my fault.
I never told you I was wild.


gravity
Spoiler: show
I think there is something about the water
something that makes light the heaviness in me

Density.
And it is the same thing that makes the moon pull me, too.

I know it does
because, looking up at the sky,
my body also moves

like the sea.


Desire
Spoiler: show
Stillness surrounds you,
Calm.
Serene.

You don't belong in this
chaos,
neurons firing
in busy
streets,
horns honking
on grey avenues.

The asphalt where I come from is
the same crayola color,
- forgotten gray

There's no asphalt where you come from.
Just dirt.

Dirt,
and the desire to grow things.


breakup
Spoiler: show
dream about me and everything bad that I ever did.
don’t you dare remember how much you loved me.
never think for one moment that our relationship was good.
because if you do, then i have to, too.
and heaven forbid me to ever remember how beautiful you were.
how kind, patient and nearly perfect you were.
i never want to think again about all the things you taught me,
or about how you changed me for the better in too many ways to count.
i don’t want to ever hear our songs,
or see a candle flame and remember the first time you made love to me.
if i had it my way, i wouldn’t remember the dip in your hips,
the smooth skin on your belly, or the line of your jaw.
and i wouldn’t see those things in every man I fuck now.

i wouldn’t remember how much i love you,
if i could erase memories at will.
because then i wouldn’t hurt so much now that i see you’re gone.


that arm
Spoiler: show
The stretch of that arm
muscle, shoulder, back
flesh
slips
beneath my hands
this texture
i can’t describe
your skin.

That smell, not soap
in my hair
those hands grasp
objects and my fingers
with purpose and delicacy
respectfully
you open the door

and i enter.


feedback
Spoiler: show
It’s a strange loop.

I like the way you like
The way I like how you look at me.
The fugue intensifying until my ears are ringing
And your eyes are dark and distant.

Somehow, I have been distracting you.
At a volume you describe as ‘cacophonous’
When the only sound is your thumb drumming on my ankle.
You leave the room, and I want you more.

Suddenly I am back at the beginning of this
Mobius strip that I have been treading,
Hoping, futilely, that if I walk it carefully enough
I will end up somewhere new.

Maybe I would step off onto that Good Earth
(different than yours, I know)
Housed behind the event horizon of some imploding star
Like the one that sits quietly in my chest while I cry myself to sleep.

Or the one that steals all the light from your eyes which are
Just across the couch (the bed, the console)
A million light-years away,
Silent.

The feedback is ear-splitting.


One Dimensional
Spoiler: show
The first time I let myself admit I love you was in a poem.
I can't voice the words
but somehow they fit in verse.

I wish you loved me back -

Me, with a heating pad, complaining about my period
Sleeping for 14 hours because we need to adjust my meds (again)
Giving my son a bath
burning cookies
kneading bread
Domestic.

Instead, I think you love
me, with a book and a highlighter
undressed to the waist,
prone on the bed
reading some dull intellectual text,
with your fingers buried in me up to the knuckle
your hands around my neck.

I hope Good Earth us is happy -
because this sucks.


Economics
Spoiler: show
I'm better than this, you say.
Brilliant
Determined
Beautiful
(Deserving)
That's fine -

Thoughts like that are a luxury
(because there is risk in chasing a better life)
that I can only believe when I have some breathing room.

Some distance from obligations like
Rent
Hunger
My son
(His father)
Or in your arms.

The problem with boys with money is that,
when they love you,
there is a mania that makes us look beyond our limits.

That glimpse into middle-class possibility -
A full stomach
New clothes
A vacation
(Freedom)
Gone as soon as they are.

You make me high, or maybe it is the air up there
so far above my place
that you breathe into my lungs after you kiss me.

My medication warns me about
excessive happiness
racing thoughts
reckless behavior
(unusually grand ideas)
And I am calling my doctor

Because
how can I tell what is a mania-fueled delusion
and what is my use-value?


just tired
Spoiler: show
I'm too tired to write a poem.
I tried to write one about
how I only ever learned what not to do
in the ongoing struggle to raise a well adjusted child.
Or one about how desperately
I want to teach him he doesn't have to be afraid
like I was for twenty six years.

I'm too tired to find the words
look at my spacing
Does this line meter right?
is the break
appropriate
or is this line much too long?

All I can think about is
making my own tea
how many times I'm going to forget my phone in the morning
and who is going to teach me to drive, now.
The tiny little spaces in my life that he filled.
How he makes me cum long,
and deep,
slowly bringing me to a climax,
and knows exactly what buttons to press
and for how long
and in what cadence
to leave me exhausted and filled with love.

I don't feel loved anymore.
I don't feel anything -
just tired.


On the Question Mark
Spoiler: show
I love the way you say "yeah"
With a question mark.

The question mark is important.
It is waiting for me to continue, of course
But it is also, somehow
Pleased.

It is like a puppy who hears
"Here, boy"
And the ears perk up,
Suddenly alert.

It seems, in a way,
To be excited
with an air of "wow, really?"
disbelieving, and hopeful.

It is not incredulous,
This question mark,
or genuinely curious,
It is not looking to be answered.

It is, I think, a little shocked-
But pleased at the discovery.


In Memoriam
Spoiler: show
So many bad things happened,
And I sat quiet.

But I want to walk into the street and scream.

Fifty of my siblings are dead.
They lay in pools of blood
while loved ones cry
or
convince themselves that
they are fine.
mourning their own friends at the hospital
cell phones forgotten.

I want to cry for them.

I want to confront the
toxicity of men.

I watch my sister's abuser
excused and justified.
Her pain erased,
violation dismissed.
Because of his
potential.

This week has been a series of headlines
About pain and death
and the only news is
that my life is tossed aside
just as easily as
fifty dead friends.

That my narrative is taken
as remorselessly as he took
my body from me.

These news stories
responses
memes
tweets
status updates
photos
only frame the portrait of me
that the world has been painting for
years -

A poor, queer woman
who is only newsworthy
In Memoriam.
Image
User avatar
Phara
The Glue To This Bitch!
Posts: 2006
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:13 am

Postby Phara » Fri Jun 24, 2016 6:51 pm

absolutely amazing, way too many unnecessary lines. shorten

Why don’t you go find her, instead of making her out of me.
Find yourself a southern belle, that blonde beauty who'll laugh at just the right time and let you dote on her, and own her.
Find yourself a desert rose, one of those cactus flowers you find in the part of the world where it hardly ever rains.
I won't be that for you.
I want to be the mustang, the horse you never could break.
I'll never be your country girl with her yellows and oranges, the pale lavender of lilacs and the soft blue of the sky like you want me to be.
No, I want to live life in every shade, in red like blood, pink like the neon lights, and green like my backyard.
I will be vibrantly rash! Make decisions based on my turbulent emotions and then try and take them back four hours later.
I will walk like I have somewhere to be, damnit, because where I am going is important.
When my classmates see me at our reunions, I'll smile at them, those normal people, and treat them like they’re just as important as I am,
because they are.
I will bring out my inner Monroe, Millay, the Bettie Page I know lurks beneath my surface, and shock the world with what I have to offer!
I will rebel against a stress-free environment, because anything that's ever worth having comes with a price.
Something I don't think you ever understood.
Arguments with my husband will abound.
If I'm feeling adventurous, I might even throw a plate or two.
My sex will be rough, intense, beautiful, soft, glorious, and varied!
When I will cry, I will cry like a four year old who drops her ice cream in the dirt,
And I will always buy my four year old a second ice cream when it happens to her.
The laughter that flows from my mouth is loud, honest, and happy.
Why didn't you ever listen to my laughter?
But maybe this is all my fault.
Maybe all of our fights, all of our differences, our expectations and who we were together hinged on one slight miscommunication.
Maybe this is all my fault.
I never told you I was wild.
Image
ImageImage
ImageImage
ImageImage
Image

Image Image
User avatar
PhlawlessPhelon
phrankly phenomenal
Posts: 960
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 3:20 am
Location: Krynn

Postby PhlawlessPhelon » Sat Jun 25, 2016 12:24 am

Firstly, thank you for the how to critique a poem discussion, hopefully I can provide useful thoughts/critiques. Or, at least be supportive. I know I wont be able to offer the type of feedback that other lit folks might be able to, but I did read each one and thoroughly enjoyed a few of them. Here are the thoughts they came to my mind while reading:

"On the Question Mark" should be longer I think...I liked it...but wanted more.

I think "Desire" is perfect!

"Breakup" stirred up memories of my last breakup, so I think it effectively represents the title.

Again, "That Arm" is perfect in my opinion. Brought up memories of Friday nights with a pretty lady that would come knocking on my door...

AliceElite from "Wild" wrote:My sex will be rough, intense, beautiful, soft, glorious, and varied!


Hot...yes...wow...imagery, yes. I agree with Phara, this could be revised to be more to the point...brevity is your friend for this one. Strong ending.

AliceElite from "Just Tired" wrote:I don't feel anything -
just tired.


I feel like this often.
Image
-Master of all things pherret related
ImageImage
ImageImage
ImageImage
ImageImage
ImageImage
User avatar
Phara
The Glue To This Bitch!
Posts: 2006
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:13 am

Postby Phara » Sat Jun 25, 2016 4:37 pm

.
Image
ImageImage
ImageImage
ImageImage
Image

Image Image
User avatar
Corgimom
3 hours later...
Posts: 1031
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:23 am

Postby Corgimom » Sat Jun 25, 2016 4:40 pm

promise when I come up for air to read and make meaningfull comment. I love you and look forward to ging this the time it deserves.
Image Image
Image
est 1953


Image
User avatar
ink
God's Fountain Pen
Posts: 2159
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 8:22 pm

Postby ink » Sat Jun 25, 2016 4:51 pm

Wild - feelings..? hmm.. stubborn comes to mind. my wife is a Cancer too and super stubborn. not sure why thats relevant, maybe the parallels lol. i think the mustang analogy is really powerful. feral creatures demand a certain type of respect, imo. i believe therein lies a harmony in the midst of that respect.. like a chemistry between two contrary forces. but something in that harmony was interrupted. so when i first start to read, there is no apologizing.. you are what you are and you own it.. with dominance. by the end, i felt like doubt was overcast. the wind shifted and what was once assured, is now uncertain and reveals some 2nd guessing.




*ok not sure if that helps, but i will eventually go through all of them :D
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





Image
User avatar
Zombie
Wizard Behind The Curtain
Posts: 550
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:10 am

Postby Zombie » Sat Jun 25, 2016 4:51 pm

i never want to think again about all the things you taught me,
or about how you changed me for the better in too many ways to count.
i don’t want to ever hear our songs,


sums up a lot of relationships i expect.. right on the nail

They all seem good .. i say that because each one evokes some kind of feeling so that how im judging them..

Well done, i'm afraid I cant shit on your words to make them smell like roses for your final publication, it all reads great to me :)
Image
Image
User avatar
Psy
Neck Veins & Deep Inner Bellows...
Posts: 1993
Joined: Sat Mar 19, 2016 7:45 pm
Location: Legendary Shitposter and Junglist.

Postby Psy » Sat Jun 25, 2016 5:23 pm

I'll be looking at the Economics one primarily as that's one of my areas of expertise. (The actual practice of economics, not writing artistically about it)

Feedback, Insomnia and Gravity will also get a major looksies. Just got home from a weird ass day. (Overtime like a motherfucker this week, so it'll be slow but will arrive)
Image
User avatar
ink
God's Fountain Pen
Posts: 2159
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 8:22 pm

Postby ink » Sat Jun 25, 2016 5:53 pm

cerrodepedro wrote:Okay so you're prolific and also congratulations on a top-notch 500! Because you're prolific I'm going to have to split this up in chunks and cater to my boorishly linear way of thinking by just doing critique in sequence.

Wild

AliceElite wrote:Why don’t you go find her, instead of making her out of me.
Find yourself a southern belle, that blonde beauty who'll laugh at just the right time and let you dote on her, and own her.
Find yourself a desert rose, one of those cactus flowers you find in the part of the world where it hardly ever rains.
I won't be that for you.


Stylistically, I like that a rhetorical question starts things off. "Why don't you go find her?" is so abruptly cutting but manages a comfortable rhythm. The whole quatrain tends to keep this up, though I nearly get lost in the length of the "Find yourself" lines. As for the message, you're not fucking around with imagery but going tersely, directly to the point.

As to SOME of the content, this is where we might get pissed at one another: I have never liked anything that ends up describing shitty or just vapid behavior of men who have romantic/sexual relationships with women in the terms of those other women, as if there is more wrong with them than the asshole seeking out those attributes you describe here. I noticed something in a feminist space where, when discussing the shit men who fetishize "youth," Ariana Grande came up as problematic, fulfilling the ideal of this patriarchal fantasy (not speaking specifically about kink here), and a couple of women stepped in and were like "OKAY BUT SHE IS A BADASS SINGER AND COULD YOU PLEASE FUCKING GIVE HER THAT CREDIT." And so this is where I also admit that I'm looking at it a little reductively, because fact is, THERE ARE men who do this: They want to find a specific type of woman who fulfills some ass-hattish patriarchal ideal. Maybe there was no other way to describe the behavior in just the way you did. Regardless, I do get the truth of this, and that it's your truth.

AliceElite wrote:I want to be the mustang, the horse you never could break.
I'll never be your country girl with her yellows and oranges, the pale lavender of lilacs and the soft blue of the sky like you want me to be.
No, I want to live life in every shade, in red like blood, pink like the neon lights, and green like my backyard.
I will be vibrantly rash! Make decisions based on my turbulent emotions and then try and take them back four hours later.
I will walk like I have somewhere to be, damnit, because where I am going is important.
When my classmates see me at our reunions, I'll smile at them, those normal people, and treat them like they’re just as important as I am,
because they are.


YES. The visuals are more succinctly descriptive than any description of sound or touch or taste or smell could be. If you painted this, with just "pale" shades on one side contrasted with the brashness you describe on another side, OR SOMETHING, I feel that would be glorious. The flow here is a little less smooth than the previous stanza, I think because 1) I'm not a super huge poetry/prose connosieur, and 2) the length and structure are so distinct. When I concentrate a little bit, though, I get the quatrain/sestet/quatrain/sestet/quatrain thing you have going. This is a forum, so I'm guessing the formatting outside the forum has a space in between each stanza. I like it. Just a little harder for me. For what it is worth, you might consider making this section a little tighter, but that doesn't mean I don't very, very thoroughly enjoy it as is.

AliceElite wrote:I will bring out my inner Monroe, Millay, the Bettie Page I know lurks beneath my surface, and shock the world with what I have to offer!
I will rebel against a stress-free environment, because anything that's ever worth having comes with a price.
Something I don't think you ever understood.
Arguments with my husband will abound.

If I'm feeling adventurous, I might even throw a plate or two.
My sex will be rough, intense, beautiful, soft, glorious, and varied!
When I will cry, I will cry like a four year old who drops her ice cream in the dirt,
And I will always buy my four year old a second ice cream when it happens to her.
The laughter that flows from my mouth is loud, honest, and happy.
Why didn't you ever listen to my laughter?

But maybe this is all my fault.
Maybe all of our fights, all of our differences, our expectations and who we were together hinged on one slight miscommunication.
Maybe this is all my fault.
I never told you I was wild.


Please pardon the spacing if I'm fucking up the structure into something you didn't intend. It's certainly not meant as a prescription if that's the case. I love that you vary the verb conjugation, first person to second person to third person, with the actual structure of the whole poem. Makes it clearer. As to the "My sex will be" line, I feel like what you did there is a thing, a literary mechanism or something, where you say varied at the end after giving a list that makes it clear that it's varied. It's really cool. And holy damn, the last stanza. Hits me like the pounding in my chest I get after taking in a really strong bit of Sour Diesel. Part of this is because I relate, and HARD, to it, and part of it is that you're being very lucid here.

The feeling of the entire poem for me is that it is very literal and very vulnerable. Those are my key takeaways. Thanks for opening all this up to us here. I'll be so glad to accept counters, defenses, or direct contradictions on any of this, even though I'm confident that I'm telling you the truth of what I think of this poem.
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





Image
User avatar
ink
God's Fountain Pen
Posts: 2159
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 8:22 pm

Postby ink » Sat Jun 25, 2016 7:28 pm

I love gravity. I get that 'connected to infinity' feeling
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





Image
User avatar
ink
God's Fountain Pen
Posts: 2159
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 8:22 pm

Postby ink » Sat Jun 25, 2016 7:34 pm

Desire - yea i feel all of this... the contrast can be telling of so many things. Immediately, i felt that disconnect.. that out-of-touch aire many are accustomed to. Powerful.
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





Image
User avatar
ink
God's Fountain Pen
Posts: 2159
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 8:22 pm

Postby ink » Sun Jun 26, 2016 2:21 am

Breakup just resonates with pain to me. its tough, hurts
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





Image
User avatar
ink
God's Fountain Pen
Posts: 2159
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 8:22 pm

Postby ink » Sun Jun 26, 2016 2:34 am

you are def fueled by love and passion, and the reverb echoes from all of your pieces. no doubt about that
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





Image
User avatar
Feydakin
Blissfully Oblivious
Posts: 1779
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 7:48 pm
Location: Right Here
Contact:

Re: Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Postby Feydakin » Tue Jun 28, 2016 8:09 pm

Still working my way through your work... a task made more difficult because I lost my place with the forum upgrade and the spoiler tags being broken. Spending some time this afternoon reading... ;)

Edit: One thing that I will say, and I wonder about this whenever I read someone's words; I wonder where it comes from? I mean, I can paste my own emotions and experiences on it, but I find it endlessly fascinating to wonder where it actually comes from in the writer.
"Searchers after horror haunt strange, far places..." ~ H.P. Lovecraft, "From Beyond"Image
ImageImage
User avatar
cerrodepedro
Words. I kill them.
Posts: 856
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 10:21 pm
Location: Intermountain West

Re: Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Postby cerrodepedro » Tue Jun 28, 2016 9:40 pm

Gravity

I would look at this poem in relation to poetry at large the way I would look at an etude to solo/chamber music: It takes a classic sort of motif (swaying, movement of waves) and presents it with the poet's signature, almost formulaically.

AliceElite wrote:I think there is something about the water


This starts like a lot of similarly brief poems by Clementine von Radics. Sets up a little tension, but doesn't require much labor to nudge you into the verse.

AliceElite wrote:something that makes light the heaviness in me

Density.
And it is the same thing that makes the moon pull me, too.


I didn't separate this by couplet since it's more a content commentary: I REALLY appreciate the contradiction here, that something about water, even though it is a relatively dense substance, unintuitively coaxes a feeling of lightness, somehow because of that density. This could be severely reductive, but my guess is that there is something of a reference to menstruation here.

AliceElite wrote:I know it does
because, looking up at the sky,
my body also moves

like the sea.


If your intention was to leave us hanging with some tension, an incomplete thought, you achieved it, unless I'm off and what you're really doing is solidifying the metaphor that I was wildly guessing at in the previous paragraph. I like the rhythm of this poem.
Once was lost and now am lost; was blind but now I smoke
Image
Image
User avatar
Candeeoke
The Quiet Storm
Posts: 375
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:30 am
Location: aphantasia

Re: Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Postby Candeeoke » Thu Jun 30, 2016 1:53 am

//reserved
ImageImage
User avatar
Charmosa
God
Posts: 112
Joined: Wed Mar 30, 2016 1:40 am
Contact:

Re: Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Postby Charmosa » Sun Jul 10, 2016 1:49 am

Gravity was the one that made me physically want to move. Perfect. Don't touch! The first one, wild, I can't put my finger on why exactly, but it didn't flow the same as the rest. Very long, wordy lines. Felt like a good journal entry or diary entry but not so much as a poem (to me). Try shortening not only by eliminating /combining lines, but shortening the lines. Leave just a few long for emphasis, perhaps. In breakup, the fuck at the end jarred me, not in a good way. Not sure why either, because I say fucking fuck all the fucking time, but it did. I personally have a pet peeve about come being spelled "cum", it took me out of an overall beautiful poem. All in all, I was actually so fired up reading your poems that with your permission I'd like to record myself reading them out loud and then perhaps sending them to you?
User avatar
Corgimom
3 hours later...
Posts: 1031
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:23 am

Re: Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Postby Corgimom » Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:47 pm

There are amazing lines in all of them but if I have to pick the weakest bit it is cadence flow and break. For example tired seems to ramble laike a stoners train of thought but each stanza is stronger standing alone. Just a thought that you make it into a cycle called tired.
Image Image
Image
est 1953


Image
User avatar
AliceElite
//wrestles darkness...WINS!
Posts: 607
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 1:54 am

Re: Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Postby AliceElite » Sat Oct 15, 2016 9:30 pm

I'll be doing some updates quoting your comments either tonight or Monday once I'm back home. I really want to jump into these critiques finally because they're good.
Image
User avatar
rc44
ninja with training wheels
Posts: 62
Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2016 5:50 am

Re: Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Postby rc44 » Wed Oct 26, 2016 5:45 am

There are some great things here. I like the narrative and that you are trying to always tell a story, rather than just a string of thoughts everywhere. The below is a great example how four lines can pull you into a reflection of yourself. It's a tough thing to do in writing, to pull a reader in with simplicity and steering away from being complex.

"The question mark is important.
It is waiting for me to continue, of course
But it is also, somehow
Pleased."



Another great few lines that shows the power of simplicity as it leaves to the imagination of what you are longing for or the pain you feel, the numbness of feeling lost.

"This week has been a series of headlines
About pain and death
and the only news is
that my life is tossed aside
just as easily as
fifty dead friends"



Thanks for sharing your pieces. I look forward in seeing more of your work.
User avatar
ravenrussell
Keeper of Dark Mysteries..
Posts: 281
Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2016 5:16 am
Location: Walking the Road
Contact:

Re: Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Postby ravenrussell » Tue Jan 03, 2017 6:35 am

One of our members who is planning on publishing soon, and would love any feedback.

Thought provoking, and well organized.

//go to the top of this thread to see some of her pieces. If you're not aware, or new, click on the spoiler tags to open true literary power.

love and peace,

-rjk
Peace to all.
-Raven
Image
User avatar
cerrodepedro
Words. I kill them.
Posts: 856
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2016 10:21 pm
Location: Intermountain West

Re: Don't Hold Back, Guys...

Postby cerrodepedro » Thu Feb 09, 2017 6:24 pm

Desire

Structure
Triplet/septet/triplet/couplet/couplet: It's obvious this was intentional, and I think the trick with poetry is to be deliberate but as evocative as one can get with spontaneity. Focusing on this poem, I like the flow. I like the rhythm of the structure you chose. Feels good.

I would like to hear how the septet flows, how it is intended to flow. Because I'm tempted to just read "neurons firing in busy streets, / horns honking on grey avenues" rather than what is written.

Apart from the septet, a possible enhancement might include a more overt linking of the two triplets, because that really looks to be your intention.

Content
Okay HERE is where I'm REALLY excited. Form and structure are nice, but the MEANING you pull from the fragile enjoinment of the two realities, the two environments, the two ways of being is beautiful. And your title isn't even a needed clue with how clearly you illustrate it.

Summary
I like this like I like chamomile tea, with brown sugar and boiling water to make the flavor more abrupt. Most of the time my body is fueled/preserved by another kind of green, and coffee, but there are moments I NEED something more like this, something that calms me down but lets my brain stay switched on and well out of subconsciousness.
Once was lost and now am lost; was blind but now I smoke
Image
Image

Return to “Literature”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests