My first attempt to express this

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Philly
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My first attempt to express this

Postby Philly » Fri Jul 08, 2016 8:28 am

U said I deserved it
My bruises are my fault
U said I deserved it
To be stomped like a bug
U said I deserved it
To be called horrible names
U said I deserved it
To be degraded
U said I deserved it
To be humiliated
U said I deserved it
To live my life in fear
U said I deserved it
To be treated like a punching bag
U said I deserved it
Because I am nothing
U said I deserved it
Because I am me
U said I deserved it
To justify beating on a woman
U said I deserved it
To make me feel worse
U said I deserved it
So I'd sweep it under the rug
U said I deserved it
And the more you say I deserved it
The easier it is to believe it
Never apologize for being nerdy because non-nerdy people never apologize for being assholes - john barrowman
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Corgimom
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby Corgimom » Fri Jul 08, 2016 11:28 am

/reading raw
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby Feydakin » Fri Jul 08, 2016 2:22 pm

Very emotive and yes, raw...

Try it with the "U said I deserved it" line every third line until about 1/2 to 2/3 of the way through and then put it every other line. It might flow better... might have to switch up the lines a little to keep the end the most impactful.
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Philly
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby Philly » Fri Jul 08, 2016 2:25 pm

That makes sense I never attempted to write this I literally just wrote what went in my head after one of the worst beatdowns n ran with it
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby cerrodepedro » Fri Jul 08, 2016 4:27 pm

I like what you did here. Second Feydakin's suggestion to try different things out, but I like what you did here. You stop knowing whether "U said I deserved it" is talking about the line before or after that, and that's an amazing effect.
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby PhlawlessPhelon » Mon Jul 11, 2016 9:10 am

good job. I can feel the emotion. Feyd's suggestion is something to think about if you wanted to revise it. I think he is right about it improving the flow.
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby ink » Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:11 pm

:yikes: woah..
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





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Philly
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby Philly » Wed Jul 20, 2016 5:13 pm

I keep rewriting this & it never sounds right. The first time I wrote it I just spewed it out. I'm struggling with making it flow while still holding on to the emotions I felt when I wrote it.
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby ghostdogg » Sun Aug 07, 2016 1:53 am

Philly wrote:U said I deserved it
My bruises are my fault
U said I deserved it
To be stomped like a bug
U said I deserved it
To be called horrible names
U said I deserved it
To be degraded
U said I deserved it
To be humiliated
U said I deserved it
To live my life in fear
U said I deserved it
To be treated like a punching bag
U said I deserved it
Because I am nothing
U said I deserved it
Because I am me
U said I deserved it
To justify beating on a woman
U said I deserved it
To make me feel worse
U said I deserved it
So I'd sweep it under the rug
U said I deserved it
And the more you say I deserved it
The easier it is to believe it


powerful... but I agree with Feydakin on this one. I think if you switched-up the rotation of "U said I deserved it", it would have a bigger impact! I feel like you did this intentionally because of the "And the more you say I deserved it" line but I'm not suggesting to take any lines out... I'm saying you could have something like this:

U said I deserved it
My bruises are my fault
U said I deserved it
To be stomped like a bug
U said I deserved it
U said I deserved it
To be called horrible names
To be degraded
U said I deserved it
To be humiliated
U said I deserved it
To live my life in fear
U said I deserved it
Again, U said I deserved it
To be treated like a punching bag
...

Feydakin wrote:Very emotive and yes, raw...

Try it with the "U said I deserved it" line every third line until about 1/2 to 2/3 of the way through and then put it every other line. It might flow better... might have to switch up the lines a little to keep the end the most impactful.


@Feydakin ... sup? :) I <3 how many ppl I'm recognizing /smart missed this...
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby Manhal » Tue Oct 04, 2016 10:51 pm

Really good. I like the rearrangment. I can hear the cadence in my head.
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby Orea » Sat Oct 08, 2016 11:01 am

And no one deserved him.

I would only change the last three lines, by changing the tense and adding a tiny line:

"U said I deserved it
And the more you said I deserved it
The easier it was to believe it.
But no more."

To me it would feel like the right conclusion since I think you are starting to heal from this experience. Only my two cents, after all this is obviously a deeply personal text.
Also, not all poems have to be perfect, or symmetrical or something. Sometimes, rhythm or the lack thereof can tell a lot about the deeper feelings of the writer. I like the way you kept going the same way. It emphasized the brutality and most of all, the systemic use of violence, like blows falling in a rhythm.
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby ink » Sat Oct 08, 2016 9:00 pm

found a nugget! (sun)

ravenrussell wrote:Words are transient, never reaching a finish line. Their is no perfect poem, ever changing reality prevents it.

Impermanence, also called Anicca or Anitya, is one of the essential doctrines and a part of three marks of existence in Buddhism. The doctrine asserts that all of conditioned existence, without exception, is "transient, evanescent, inconstant".
we are, what we allow to occupy us..





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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby NaranjaRa » Mon Oct 10, 2016 4:34 pm

powerful words
and advice

definite whoa
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rc44
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby rc44 » Tue Oct 25, 2016 9:18 pm

I really enjoyed this. Openness and vulnerability are incredibly hard things to open up to. Thanks for sharing
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby ravenrussell » Thu Dec 08, 2016 7:03 am

Philly wrote:U said I deserved it
My bruises are my fault
U said I deserved it
To be stomped like a bug
U said I deserved it
To be called horrible names
U said I deserved it
To be degraded
U said I deserved it
To be humiliated
U said I deserved it
To live my life in fear
U said I deserved it
To be treated like a punching bag
U said I deserved it
Because I am nothing
U said I deserved it
Because I am me
U said I deserved it
To justify beating on a woman
U said I deserved it
To make me feel worse
U said I deserved it
So I'd sweep it under the rug
U said I deserved it
And the more you say I deserved it
The easier it is to believe it


More, more poetry I plead, down on my knees. More, Philly, please. <3
Peace to all.
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Philly
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Re: My first attempt to express this

Postby Philly » Fri Dec 09, 2016 3:06 am

ravenrussell wrote:
Philly wrote:U said I deserved it
My bruises are my fault
U said I deserved it
To be stomped like a bug
U said I deserved it
To be called horrible names
U said I deserved it
To be degraded
U said I deserved it
To be humiliated
U said I deserved it
To live my life in fear
U said I deserved it
To be treated like a punching bag
U said I deserved it
Because I am nothing
U said I deserved it
Because I am me
U said I deserved it
To justify beating on a woman
U said I deserved it
To make me feel worse
U said I deserved it
So I'd sweep it under the rug
U said I deserved it
And the more you say I deserved it
The easier it is to believe it


More, more poetry I plead, down on my knees. More, Philly, please. <3


I'm not really a writer but I'm going through so much shit I might just try
Never apologize for being nerdy because non-nerdy people never apologize for being assholes - john barrowman
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