sending lots of









Moderator: Phara
Phara wrote:Spoiler: show
Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it this far. I love you ladies. forever.
//Phara
Phara wrote:oh hai.
Whenever I come onto the boards... it's into the Salon that i feel safest posting in. Bizarre right? Ninja might have been one of the first "safe spaces" on the net but it's something about my fellow Ninjess that makes confessing and unleashing a torrent of words just a little bit easier. So hear I am, banging away on this keyboard, hoping some of my ladies will understand and help me with this inner dialogue that i'm trying to make public.
Btw... this is strictly stream of consciousness so it might be all over the place.
Aphantasia. Candee and i both have this. As well as being introverts. BTW, i'm so grateful to you girl because it's through our friendship that I finally started feeling less crazy for about my mental neuroses and less alone in my daily struggles, for as trite as that may sound.
I talk to myself all day. I mention this in another post around here called the one-dimensional self I think. My roommate says I was a twin in the womb. (She's a medium/psychic/reads cards/sees spirits)... Something about that statement rings bells. Sometimes I feel I ate some psycho bitch who just sits in my mind trying to shit on me. Um.... she sucks. This inner dialogue between two souls that dont really like eachother or themselves very much. Which is weird, because here comes the triplet that plays the veneer who is the arrogant, cocky, fast-mouthed broad that people seem to see. And where there is legit confidence in a series of areas... there is so much self-doubt and fear of failure in areas that seem so much more important. Career, stamina, discipline... I flounder in these areas and it fuels an undercurrent of anxiety that is probably the biggest reason I find myself in rut after rut. It makes me feel like a sulky child and I hate that weakness. But breaking though it is a constant process that I am far from being successful at. Although this post is an attempt.
I have a self loathing and propensity for self torture that keeps me from ninja. it's like a stockholm syndrome with the evil twin that sits in my brain. this is where I'm most happy but I wonder if there's a part of me that feels I dont deserve it. Or decades under well intentioned but honestly... pretty shitty upbringing... that has me feeling guilty for not turning into what it was my parents wanted, that has me buckling under a crushing guilt. Y'all... I'm an egyptian felon that was once a valedictorian blazing through science on her way to typical egyptian doctorhood. Yea fuck that life for real... but fuck me... not since the height of Ninja have I established myself in my own rebellion. And that shit kills me. If I was to walk away from that world then I need to rise in my own. And I haven't been able to get a grasp on that since my release from prison and it's unsettling to say the least.
Adulthood sucks yall. Being intuitive and aware can be crippling. It has benefits yes. I think. I'm drawing a little bit of a blank. When I think of Egypt is when certain advantages seem very obvious. I live alone, I have the ability to do what i want when I want... although I do nothing... No one is going to call me a prostitute for smoking a cigarette (yea, they're fuckin nuts), and so on and so forth... but I grew up in the Top 1% of the academic scale and when I start thinking of those I know from that world... the ugly whispers start. "not good enough" type bullshit. bah... it's brutal. And then there's the part of me that views all of that and just screams weak over the whole dialogue. So suck. :/ ... anywho, what to do right?
make a more conscious effort to turn the voices off and log in to evolution
not go more than a week without talking to candee
journal/scrap journal more. should do it daily but you know... lazy
exercise. puke.
... those are the plans. I just wanted to lay this out here. make it real. insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. i need to stop driving myself crazy. Fight the shallow dimensions of my life and delve deeper into what i was put on this earth to do, no matter how daunting it may seem.
Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it this far. I love you ladies. forever.
//Phara
Charmosa wrote:Phara wrote:oh hai.
Whenever I come onto the boards... it's into the Salon that i feel safest posting in. Bizarre right? Ninja might have been one of the first "safe spaces" on the net but it's something about my fellow Ninjess that makes confessing and unleashing a torrent of words just a little bit easier. So hear I am, banging away on this keyboard, hoping some of my ladies will understand and help me with this inner dialogue that i'm trying to make public.
Btw... this is strictly stream of consciousness so it might be all over the place.
Aphantasia. Candee and i both have this. As well as being introverts. BTW, i'm so grateful to you girl because it's through our friendship that I finally started feeling less crazy for about my mental neuroses and less alone in my daily struggles, for as trite as that may sound.
I talk to myself all day. I mention this in another post around here called the one-dimensional self I think. My roommate says I was a twin in the womb. (She's a medium/psychic/reads cards/sees spirits)... Something about that statement rings bells. Sometimes I feel I ate some psycho bitch who just sits in my mind trying to shit on me. Um.... she sucks. This inner dialogue between two souls that dont really like eachother or themselves very much. Which is weird, because here comes the triplet that plays the veneer who is the arrogant, cocky, fast-mouthed broad that people seem to see. And where there is legit confidence in a series of areas... there is so much self-doubt and fear of failure in areas that seem so much more important. Career, stamina, discipline... I flounder in these areas and it fuels an undercurrent of anxiety that is probably the biggest reason I find myself in rut after rut. It makes me feel like a sulky child and I hate that weakness. But breaking though it is a constant process that I am far from being successful at. Although this post is an attempt.
I have a self loathing and propensity for self torture that keeps me from ninja. it's like a stockholm syndrome with the evil twin that sits in my brain. this is where I'm most happy but I wonder if there's a part of me that feels I dont deserve it. Or decades under well intentioned but honestly... pretty shitty upbringing... that has me feeling guilty for not turning into what it was my parents wanted, that has me buckling under a crushing guilt. Y'all... I'm an egyptian felon that was once a valedictorian blazing through science on her way to typical egyptian doctorhood. Yea fuck that life for real... but fuck me... not since the height of Ninja have I established myself in my own rebellion. And that shit kills me. If I was to walk away from that world then I need to rise in my own. And I haven't been able to get a grasp on that since my release from prison and it's unsettling to say the least.
Adulthood sucks yall. Being intuitive and aware can be crippling. It has benefits yes. I think. I'm drawing a little bit of a blank. When I think of Egypt is when certain advantages seem very obvious. I live alone, I have the ability to do what i want when I want... although I do nothing... No one is going to call me a prostitute for smoking a cigarette (yea, they're fuckin nuts), and so on and so forth... but I grew up in the Top 1% of the academic scale and when I start thinking of those I know from that world... the ugly whispers start. "not good enough" type bullshit. bah... it's brutal. And then there's the part of me that views all of that and just screams weak over the whole dialogue. So suck. :/ ... anywho, what to do right?
make a more conscious effort to turn the voices off and log in to evolution
not go more than a week without talking to candee
journal/scrap journal more. should do it daily but you know... lazy
exercise. puke.
... those are the plans. I just wanted to lay this out here. make it real. insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. i need to stop driving myself crazy. Fight the shallow dimensions of my life and delve deeper into what i was put on this earth to do, no matter how daunting it may seem.
Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it this far. I love you ladies. forever.
//Phara
I often agonize over posts I make online and how that can be interpreted and taken out of context and seen by people in my everyday real life (employers, stalkers, anyone). Now I'm writing stream of conscious too, because fuck it, we're in Phara's Salon.
I hear you. You're being challenged a lot by circumstance. Given the story so far, you are doing a great job, Phara. Really. Always make changes, always be growing, but don't beat yourself up about where you are at right now. There is no stopping on this ride, so don't worry about your arrival time, the doors aren't opening. Intimacy is accepting you are not anywhere else besides where you are and making peace with that, even if just for a time. Amazing things happen when you give in and focus on who and what is around you. Magic happens then. Picture life like being stuck in an elevator, or a subway car, and you are claustrophobic. That's what it feels like when you look at your life and go why am I here? I need to get out! I need to be out there! But while you are in that elevator/subway car you can focus on you and whoever else may be in there with you. You can panic all you want but it won't make a difference. Maybe with the outside troubles removed and everything centered on just being in this box allows some peace and an opportunity to break down barriers between self and others (other selves?). I'm babbling, of course. But I suppose that's what this forum allows for me to do. If not here it'd go in a notebook, or my phone's memo pad, or god forbid, Facebook.
The way I engage in the internet is much different now than it was back in like 02, 04, even 08. I remember going to websites to read content. Now websites seem to only exist when clicked on from a FB post (or twitter or whatever). I've tried going back to some of the old sites I used to spend hours reading on... It's not the same. Not just because the people aren't there anymore, but the whole vibe of posting online got different. It got worse.
Real life troubles of the month seem to be feeling too much of everyone else's pain. It's tough when you are intuitive to other people's struggle, because then there is a sense of responsibility. I've been in a rough spot where I'm actually doing ok, but I make myself feel bad when other people are struggling and I'm not helping (or not helping enough). Or I'm just not there. Stretched too thin. I know you get that, too, with friends scattered all over the world.
And BTW Phara I'm trying to buy a house down here. You need to come stay with me a while when I get all that together. It could be a little oasis.
I guess I'm going to have to be a little less inhibited in the forum for it to work. Be the content you wish to see in the world, right? No promises that I'll deliver (see above about being stretched too thin), but I'll try.
Charmosa wrote:The mythos of motherly love. The responsibility of being woman. All of which can be terrifying and rewarding and enough to make you crazy. We acknowledge the crazy so men and children can laugh at our expense but they'd be crazy too if they were woman.
...A brief look at the language used to talk about menstruation reflects how closely it’s tied to the concept of female identity. “You’re becoming a woman!” people exclaim to adolescents experiencing their periods for the first time. “Feminine products” is the euphemism of choice for pads and tampons at the drugstore though there are plenty of aisles worth of feminine-coded products available—razors, makeup, and shampoos marketed toward women with the design of helping them look “feminine.” (This focus on the “femininity” of periods also completely ignores the existence of trans men who menstruate.) All of these products have the purpose of eliminating or disguising those functions of the body that have been deemed “unfeminine” like growing body hair and sweating, just as menstrual products are designed to make the period as undetectable as possible. Periods can be painful and messy, and while they are considered a marker of female identity, there are also social pressures to keep them invisible on account of their “ick” factor. So there are some who find eliminating periods altogether to be their best option.
“There is no medical reason why a woman has to menstruate every month,” said Alyssa Dweck, an assistant clinical professor of OB/GYN at Mt. Sinai School of Medicine in New York. “And there is nothing wrong with tweaking the system if bleeding is difficult for women.”
Phara wrote:one of the reasons i wont go off depo is because i dont want my period and i dont know if that's shallow or not. i'm not a big fan of what i consider pretty unnatural dosages of hormones but i'm even less of a fan of the hell that my period is. so i get it anna. ugh.
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